Our progressive, forward-thinking organization has an immediate opening for an Asian Mom to join our diverse and inclusive team. As one of the fastest-growing companies in North America, we are seeking a candidate who is able to self-start, challenge conventional wisdom, and NOT insinuate that Mrs. Nakata’s son is more successful because he got accepted to that Ph.D. program.


Our company offers a rewarding work environment that values work/life balance and fosters a culture of professionalism and growth. Okay, maybe we’re using the terms “team,” “organization,” and “company” loosely. Also “work” and “fastest-growing.” So, sure, we guess this is more like a start-up.


  • Performing various on-site duties including (but not limited to) shopping, cleaning, and cooking minimum two (2) meals a day
  • Overseeing the kids without teaching them Japanese and then using your “secret language” to tell them I’m a failure
  • Assisting with the development of online content (Facebook/IG photos) to show the world how great life is now that I’ve got a new mom
  • Commenting positively on my work performance without condescension about my career choice
  • Making conversation without asking me when I’ll get a “real job,” because seriously, I’m fine as a technical writer. It’s what I went to school for. I never wanted to be a doctor
  • General family support, including (but not limited to) supporting decisions I’ve made about my education path because, no, I don’t need to go back to school, and I don’t care how much Mrs. Nakagawa’s daughter makes now after grad school
  • Interacting with my wife, Annie, without constant suggestion that she’s a valueless barbarian
  • Not everyone from Michigan is a valueless barbarian
  • And don’t try to manage the kids’ extracurriculars. Fifteen hours of piano a week didn’t work for me. I still have stress-dreams about Mrs. Ueda slapping me when I hit the wrong keys
  • Yes, I do blame my mom for my insomnia
  • It’s safer not to fall asleep
  • The darkness, it comes for me
  • In our last session, Dr. Thompson told me that I need to confront my mom or else my insomnia won’t get better
  • No, the lack of sleep is not impairing my judgment
  • Other duties as assigned


  • Ability to work as a team player
  • 10+ years Asian Mom experience
  • Exceptional organizational and communication (written and verbal) skills, without passive aggressive comments about how “impressed” you are that the kids will “actually” eat Annie’s lasagna
  • Strong work ethic, self-directed and resourceful, without talking loudly at family events about how much money Annie and I “wasted” on the vacation at Disneyland
  • Ability to hit the ground running with minimal training
  • Ability to not ask questions about intent
  • Ability to not feel like an accessory in a plot for emotional revenge
  • Ability to accept different cultural norms. Like our “family culture.” Dr. Thompson is always talking about family culture. Dr. Thompson will consider this progress
  • And when Dr. Thompson said to “confront her,” I’m pretty sure this is what he meant
  • No, I didn’t tell Dr. Thompson about this, but I know he’ll support me
  • He’s the only one that supports me
  • Annie doesn’t support me anymore. Not since Thanksgiving. Not since the turkey incident
  • After the turkey incident, Annie told me I had to establish boundaries
  • And then she gave me the ultimatum
  • I’m not letting her take the kids
  • Proficiency in Microsoft Office


  • Native-level fluency in East/South-East Asian language(s) a plus
  • Proficiency in East/South-East Asian cuisine(s) a plus
  • Photoshop experience a plus


  • Email cover letter and résumé directly, with words “Asian Mom” in the subject line
  • Must be available to start immediately
  • I’m not kidding, I need this to work now. Annie gave me until the end of the week
  • No, I can’t “just talk to her.” It doesn’t work like that with Asian moms. It’s gotta be, you know, subtle. God. You sound like Annie


  • DOE

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer and do not discriminate with regard to race, color, religion, sex, marital status, national origin, age, sexual orientation, disability, or status as a veteran in accordance with nondiscrimination laws. But seriously, for this to work, I need you to look Asian and elderly.

Principals only. Do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers.