“President Trump’s refusal to blame Kim Jong-un for the death of Otto Warmbier, an American student who died in 2017 after being imprisoned in North Korea, set off anger and sympathy for the young man’s family among political leaders in the United States on Thursday.” — New York Times, 2/28/19

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Folks, I take great issue with the negative discourse surrounding my close friend, the massive, gaping Hellmouth that has supposedly been gobbling people up and spitting out their charred skeletons. Trust me, I have a strong personal relationship with the terrible hole of fire and screams. When the drooling, molten chasm to Hell tells me it did not swallow a bunch of humans, I believe it. That’s the difference between you and me. I am willing to take the flaming maw at its word.

Honestly, I don’t believe it’s in the Hellmouth’s best interest to consume people and deliver them to a broiling torture chamber. That’s just not the way the Hellmouth operates. What happened to those many people is horrible, I’m not denying that. But just because they happened to get sucked into the Hellmouth doesn’t mean that the Hellmouth knew about or condoned what occurred to them once they were inside. The Hellmouth feels very badly about the whole thing and I trust it. We talk all the time. The Hellmouth is my friend and I look forward to supporting the open jaws of the underworld in any way I can.

What most of you don’t realize is the Hellmouth has a great personality. It’s very funny and very smart. Everyone likes to focus on the fact that the Hellmouth lures people inside and then chews them up like granola. Well, plenty of infernal abysses have done some really bad things. I could spend hours listing all the abysses who have swallowed people up and grilled them like tilapia. At least this particular abyss is willing to sit down and let me make countless diplomatic concessions to it for literally no reason.

I’m overall very satisfied with the state of my negotiations with the Hellmouth. We’ve reached several important deals. For example, I have agreed to allow the Hellmouth to continue operating without any oversight. I’ve always believed it’s best we don’t learn too much about the inner workings of an evil, dangerous entity that has developed a taste for human flesh. I’ve also agreed to let the Hellmouth consume as many people as it would like without repercussions. These are great, wonderful deals.

Also, why are we not praising me for the few people I’ve successfully retrieved from the Hellmouth? Instead of focusing on the hundreds of thousands of people who have been pressure-cooked inside the Hellmouth, we should take this opportunity to thank me for rescuing one or two folks. I am a hero and I should be respected by my people. In many ways, I want to be like my pal, the strong and disgusting Hellmouth, who is feared and respected by all. God, I love that Hellmouth.