TO: All Staff
SUBJECT: Our New Recycling Program
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, our building has been awarded the much-coveted Clean & Green™ Certification for environmentally responsible building design and energy usage. As such, all tenants including our office will be implementing Clean & Green™ recycling practices effective immediately.
The Clean & Green™ recycling standard was developed by leading experts in the fields of environmental design and psychological torture to reduce waste, protect the environment, and leave you questioning your ability to perform even the most rudimentary tasks like throwing garbage into the correct color-coded receptacle. We only get one planet, and it’s all of our jobs to take care of it in the most confusing and frustrating way possible while conducting crucial research into the limits of psychological torture within the workplace.
We understand that there have been some questions regarding the rules and specifics governing this new and baffling program so we thought it would be prudent to talk through some of the basics.
All paper products must be ingested, passed through the digestive tract, filtered with a fine mesh sieve, and left out to dry in the mid-day sun on our 100% organic green roof. Once dry, use this paper to write a self-chastising essay about how your wasteful habits are producing harmful greenhouse gasses and contributing to global warming. You may then dispose of your essay in the green bin next to the printer.
Plastic products go in another bin that is a slightly darker shade of green and also labeled PAPER for some reason. Nobody knows why but that’s just the way it is, so stop asking so many questions, Karen.
Glass bottles and jars must be rinsed, dried, pulverized back into sand with a mortar and pestle, and returned to the ocean from whence they came. Free hourly shuttle buses will provide easy transport to a convenient and desolate stretch of beach nearby for easy disposal as an amenity for our full-time employees. If you do not have a mortar and pestle, please fill out our lengthy and complicated Mortar & Pestle Request Form (Form 6258A, Sub-Form 2C) and one will be provided to you.
Don’t even fucking THINK about throwing away any batteries.
Metallic objects, like aluminum cans or foil takeout containers, can be rinsed and tossed into the blue-colored waste bin, unless the container is extremely soiled or the day happens to fall under the shadow of the malefic and low-vibrating planet of Rahu within the strictures of Vedic Numerology, in which case you’ll just have to hang on to those empty LaCroix cans until the next blood moon.
Unwaxed corrugated cardboard must be sorted by thickness, wrapped in a raw linen shroud, and placed upon one of the numerous active recycling pyres scattered throughout the building. If you cannot locate an active pyre, be a good coworker and start one in the designated recycling pyre area nearest you. You will find cement bricks, torches, and traditional juniper wood kindling in the cabinet next to the coffee machine.
Soiled paper products like napkins, paper towels, and tissues must be disposed of across the parking lot in the dumpster behind TGIFriday’s.
These rules are subject to change at a moment’s notice depending on the day of the week, lunar phase, or the whims and desires of our fickle and sadistic Clean & Green™ governing board. But don’t worry: If you’re standing in front of our color-coded waste receptacles feeling confused and frustrated, then you’re probably doing it right!
Well, that should just about cover it. We hope you all enjoy a fun, productive, and entirely mandatory week laboriously sifting through the trash. If you have any questions, please refer to the poorly-designed Clean & Green™ website where you’ll find the answers on an FAQ page that can only be accessed by solving a series of riddles and puzzles that will require advanced degrees in abstract mathematics and cryptography, not to mention a mastery of multiple dead languages and access to a WWII-era Enigma machine. Of course, that’s assuming you’re able to locate the Clean & Green™ website in the first place, which will be no small feat in and of itself.
Oh, and we almost forgot — it’s Bagel Thursday! They’re in the 5th-floor kitchen along with a variety of schmears right next to the recycling pyre.