We are seeking a highly motivated and extremely manipulative recruiter to join our team. You’ll thrive in this position if you love exclamation points and draining people of every last drop of hope.
If the Hogwarts house you sorted yourself into was, “Dementor at Azkaban,” you just might be exactly who we’re looking for.
This exciting role is responsible for finding talented, qualified candidates, and then sadistically toying with their emotions until their confidence is so low that every time they look in the mirror all they see is a sad, disheveled potato.
You should be enthusiastic about leading people on and then pulling the carpet out from under them. Unfortunately, this is more of a figurative carpet-pulling, as we had a few too many lawsuits.
We need a go-getting, soul-sucking individual who can crush each applicant’s self-esteem like a squirrel under a semi-truck. This is a unique opportunity to really get some blood on your hands. Again, this is (mostly) figurative blood. But if you do your job well, we promise you it can be just as satisfying!
Job responsibilities include:
- Collect all applications and promptly delete half of them arbitrarily and without mercy
- Stage monthly dramatic readings of the annoyingly earnest cover letters we receive, and really get creative with your impressions of the desperate losers who wasted their time writing them. Costumes highly encouraged.
- Administer labor-intensive unpaid skills tests that need to be completed and returned in 24-hours, and put this last part in bold font to really maximize anxiety
- Send all skills tests to the team in charge of implementing these free ideas while following the company’s strict “applicant ghosting” protocol
- Organize company-wide happy hours that feature our favorite drinking game: You read aloud the emails you’ve ignored, and we all take a shot every time some sad sack writes, “Just following up again!”
- Inform each interviewee they should “expect to hear back next week at the latest, thanks!” and then, true to your word, anonymously mail them a box of live venomous snakes
Qualities we’re looking for in our ideal candidate:
- You never go out to lunch. You survive purely off unread résumés that you ball up and swallow whole
- You love seeing people squirm so much that on the weekends you moonlight as a medieval dentist
- You save time on commuting by curling up each night on the nest you made behind your desk out of regurgitated (and still unread) résumés
If you have a scarily cheerful demeanor and at least five years of experience shattering dreams, we hope to hear from you soon!