Good morrow, traveler. Ah, it appears your long and arduous journey has reached a most perilous fork in the road. Your only way forward is through one of these two doors.
One leads to freedom, the other certain death. But which to choose?
You may ask us a single question. Although, be warned. One guard always lies, the other always tells the truth.
Oh, and uh, this next part is unrelated to the door bit. Someone’s been spreading this totally unfounded rumor that I have a small penis. And I just want to assure you this is not true.
Now, choose wisely, dear traveler, for your ver—
No, as I said, my penis has nothing to do with the doors. Let’s not get stuck on this. Remember, your life hangs in the balance. I was only saying that if, during your time in the Village of Sorrow, you had spoken to, say, a vindictive Bal maiden or her twin sister, and they said I had an unusually small and odorous member, they are liars. My penis is a good size and smells of jasmine. Besides, most peasant women I have known biblically say the big ones hurt.
Oh, gee, we can finally move on, you say? THANK YOU.
Just to put a button on this. My genitals are adequate, I have never crafted a leather and stone apparatus to stretch my penis, and totally separate from those facts, one of us always lies, and the other always tells the truth.
No, you can not ask if I have a small penis. I mean, I guess you can technically ask us anything, but how is that relevant? I already told you it is not small. A guy would never lie about his penis size, right?
Listen, to help you move things along here, typically you would ask one of us if the other guard is telling the truth. Then you pick a door, and we all go on with our lives.
Okay, since you’re so averse to asking questions, here’s one for you. If your ex-fiancé was trotting around town telling every mage and ogre in earshot that the guard who always lies has a small peni—
I mean, maybe I’m the guard who always lies. Or perhaps I always tell the truth?
Oh, bloody hell. You know what? It’s that guy’s door. There’s your freedom. Go defeat the Elfin king or whatever your whole thing is. Are you happy now? You’ve completely sucked the fun out of this otherwise whimsical experience.
It’s at least average. Probably.