MCSWEENEY'S QUARTERLY SUBSCRIPTIONS
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Articles by
Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne is a comedy writer from Philadelphia. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Reductress, and The Hard Times, among others.
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October 25, 2023A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween
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August 31, 2023Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless Pit
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July 20, 2023My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure Machine
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May 2, 2023One of Us Always Tells the Truth, the Other Always Lies. Also, Contrary to What You May Have Heard My Penis Is Not Small
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April 13, 2023TikTok’s Old Age Filter Shows My Wife and Some Other Guy Standing on My Grave
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February 13, 2023Candy Heart Messages After Elon Musk Buys Sweethearts for $44 Billion
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June 29, 2022First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes
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March 22, 2022First Drafts of the Greatest Opening Sentences in Literature
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January 19, 2022Increasingly Convoluted Rules for Ordering a Philly Cheesesteak Like a Local
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July 12, 2017CÜCK – The New Furniture Assembly Service From IKEA
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March 20, 2017Not to Brag, But I’m Totally Intellectual Enough to Be Brutally Murdered by Fascists
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November 29, 2023Your 2023 WebMD Wrapped
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November 22, 2023Post-Dinner Interview with a Twelve-Year-Old Who Sat at the Grown-Ups’ Table for the First Time on Thanksgiving
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December 4, 2023The National Lyrics or Things My Dad Says While Refusing to Check Google Maps?
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February 23, 2012Lines from The Princess Bride That Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
Recently
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December 6, 2023Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World
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December 6, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Anne Carson
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December 6, 2023A Gift-Wrapping Guide for Recently Divorced Dads
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December 5, 2023My Life Before and After Turning Twenty-Six and Losing My Parents’ Health Insurance