ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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Articles by
Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne is a comedy writer from Philadelphia. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Reductress, and The Hard Times, among others.
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June 27, 2024Pavement Lyrics or Trump Cognitive Glitch?
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June 14, 2024Trolley Problem Variations for Dads
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April 17, 2024The Boys Are Back in Town (for Johnny’s Funeral)
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December 11, 2023Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up
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October 25, 2023A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween
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August 31, 2023Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless Pit
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July 20, 2023My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure Machine
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May 2, 2023One of Us Always Tells the Truth, the Other Always Lies. Also, Contrary to What You May Have Heard My Penis Is Not Small
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April 13, 2023TikTok’s Old Age Filter Shows My Wife and Some Other Guy Standing on My Grave
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February 13, 2023Candy Heart Messages After Elon Musk Buys Sweethearts for $44 Billion
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June 29, 2022First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes
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March 22, 2022First Drafts of the Greatest Opening Sentences in Literature
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July 15, 2024I Can’t Believe Such a Hateful, Violent Act Could Happen in the Hateful, Violent Era I’ve Created
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July 12, 2024Schedule of Speakers for the 2024 Republican National Convention
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July 16, 2024Hillbilly Elegy Edited for J. D. Vance’s Vice Presidential Campaign
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May 10, 2024What Your Favorite ’90s Band Says About the Kind of Bored Suburban Mom You Are Today
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July 26, 2024I’m a Childless Cat Lady, and If Trump and Vance Win I’m Going to Start a Sexual Relationship with My Couch
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July 26, 2024Skills You Need as President of the United States or Skills You Need as a Stepmom?
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July 26, 2024If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Wouldn’t Have Tolerated the Cynics
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July 26, 2024We Went Ahead and Made an AI Olympian