The Believer Magazine
Articles by
Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne is a comedy writer from Philadelphia. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Reductress, and The Hard Times, among others.
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April 14, 2025As Surgeon General, I Will Replace the Outdated, Inaccurate Body Mass Index with a Group of Catty, Mean-Spirited Middle Schoolers
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March 12, 2025I’m Chunk’s Mother, and No, He Did Not Consult Me Before Telling Sloth He Could Live with Us
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February 19, 2025I Gave a Thousand Typewriters to a Thousand Monkeys, but Instead of Hamlet, They Just Keep Writing Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar
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October 18, 2024What Your Twelve-Foot Home Depot Skeleton Says About Your Recent Divorce
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July 31, 2024Lesser-Known Goals
of Project 2025 -
June 27, 2024Pavement Lyrics or Trump Cognitive Glitch?
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June 14, 2024Trolley Problem Variations for Dads
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April 17, 2024The Boys Are Back in Town (for Johnny’s Funeral)
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December 11, 2023Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up
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October 25, 2023A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween
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August 31, 2023Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless Pit
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July 20, 2023My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure Machine
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