Cut my hair too short

Start trimming my ear hair

Force me to have an opinion on the ’86 Mets to avoid a lull in the conversation

Cut my hair longer somehow

Start using a product I don’t recognize

Start using a product I do recognize: Kikkoman Soy Sauce

Start talking about me on their cell phone

Start talking about me on my cell phone

Say, “I wonder if I’m ambidextrous”

Shave part of my head

Wax part of my head

Wax my whole body

Tell me my hair is “brittle”

Say, “Whoopsie daisy”

Call over the barbers to snap pictures of something on the back of my head

Say, “Be right back,” and then go on vacation

Tell me my hair is “sleepy”

Start sneaking sips of that blue liquid he keeps his combs in

Steal my wallet

Steal my wife

Tell me he’s going to give me the “Van Gogh”

Say, “Wow, that’s a lot of blood”

Insist I had only one ear when I came in

Cut up a line of dry shampoo and ask if I “party”

Ask for a tip after each snip

Sneeze on the back of my head

Get upset when I don’t say, “Bless you”

Tell me my hair is “claustrophobic”

Make me sweep up the hair clippings

Glue the hair clippings back on my head

Start cutting with finger scissors

Start cutting with hedge trimmers

Start cutting with their teeth while whispering, “Chomp chomp, here comes the haircut monster!”

Insist I pay for their UberEats order of fish tacos

Not apologize for the fish taco juice dripping on my head

Hand me the scissors, then break out into a diabolical grin and whisper, “You fool. You sweet, simple fool. Hear those sirens? What do you think the police will say when they find your fingerprints on the murder weapon?”

Give me the exact hairstyle I requested, but I still look weird