It’s time to decide who will govern our people. We’ve been hit with higher-than-normal inflation and seen costs for basic commodities rise. That’s why I’m voting for Gork the Merciless to plunder our village.
Gork has promised to slaughter our families, sell our children, burn our houses, steal our land, and enslave our people for generations, but milk prices went up, and even though they’re starting to come down, we might as well see whether Gork’s warlord approach is better for the economy.
Gork the Merciless isn’t bought and sold by any political party. He isn’t beholden to special interests and doesn’t accept contributions or government handouts. He’s a successful, self-made entrepreneur who amassed his fortune by stripping his victims of their belongings. He’s a true outsider—in as much as his forces are massed outside our gates, waiting for voters to endorse his plan to annihilate us.
You know what we don’t need? Another career politician. Gork’s opponent, Duncan the Reasonable, only wants to be competent enough to keep his job. It’s time we give the position to an unaccountable tyrant who destroys a village and then moves on to the next—before he’s corrupted by the Deep State.
Instead of supporting the same old status-quo politician who shepherded our village through two wars, three plagues, and five natural disasters, I’m voting for an unpredictable murderer whose scorched-earth policies will bring real change.
What I’m saying is we need new blood—even if it’s our new blood, spilled on the ground.
Gork is a man of action who won’t burden us with research and reports. Because let’s face it, our village has problems. The water table is sinking, and our wells are running dry. I’m not saying Gork has more knowledge of hydrology than that nerdy bookworm Duncan, who consults a panel of experts to assess short and long-term water solutions. Gork knows nothing about resource conservation and has pledged to flay Duncan’s panel of experts. He’ll eliminate the red tape that stands in the way of innovative solutions, like killing enough villagers to reduce our water use. I’m sure there are other things we can do, but I’m not an expert, which is what I’ll tell Gork when I beg him not to flay me.
You can’t deny that Duncan the Reasonable is old. Gork may disembowel people for insufficiently laughing at his jokes, but he’s three whole years younger than his opponent.
Have you heard Duncan’s boring speeches? Listening to him drone on about stability and progress doesn’t make for compelling television. Gork will deliver chaos and suffering, which is far more entertaining. Ask yourself which is more exciting—sitting on your sofa or running for your life?
Duncan is a flip-flopper who changes his mind when confronted with new information. Compare that to Gork, who has always been Merciless, and has a consistent track record of atrocities to prove it. He’s never pretended to be anything but a bloodthirsty madman. That’s the kind of refreshing honesty I’m looking for.
You may have noticed that village meetings have gotten pretty contentious. There’s so much political divisiveness that it’s hard to reach a consensus on anything. I blame it on my neighbors, who are fighting neighbors like me, who are killing my neighbors to appease Gork.
It’s time we accept the fact that the only one who can save us from Gork’s rampage is Gork himself. That’s why I’m voting for surrender. Once Gork has completely devastated our village, inflation will be the last thing we’ll be worrying about.