CLERK: Hi, Mr. Gordon. We’ll just get you checked in here and discuss options. For the oil change, we have standard oil, high mileage, and our premium full synthetic blend.

ME: I’ll take full synthetic.

CLERK: Okay, good choice. We’ve got your cabin air filter here, it’s a bit dirty, as you can see. Want it replaced?

ME: Sure.

CLERK: Great, this is going well. While we’re talking filters, your engine air filter, fuel filter, and transmission filter are a bit old. Would you like any of those replaced as well?

ME: Do all of them.

CLERK: Wow, no one’s ever said that before. You don’t play games. So, uh … let’s talk about your engine health.

ME: Yeah, let’s do that.

CLERK: Really? Excellent. We can do an engine diagnostic test, radiator coolant fluid exchange, and a serpentine belt and radiator hose replacement.

ME: Replace every belt and hose.

CLERK: I’ve never gotten this far. This is thrilling. Why can’t more customers be like you? Uh, okay… I’ve lost my place here. Having trouble concentrating.

ME: You like it when I say yes to add-ons, don’t you?

CLERK: I absolutely love it.

ME: You just want to up-sell me on every part of the car, the fluids, the suspension, the tires?

CLERK: I want it all.

ME: You want to tell your boss that I just came in for an oil change and left with a $3,700 bill without even the courtesy of putting one of those plastic NEXT OIL CHANGE DATE stickers on my windshield?

CLERK: You don’t know how badly I want that.

ME: I bet you even want me to replace incredibly specific parts that no one’s ever asked for before, like the gas cap?

CLERK: Yes, we do sell gas caps, we do sell gas caps.

ME: And tightening my battery connections?

CLERK: Yes, for sure, we can totally tighten your battery connections.

ME: But they don’t need it, do they?

CLERK: No, they don’t. Not unless the last guy didn’t tighten them after untightening them.

ME: And my cabin air filter wasn’t actually that dirty, was it?

CLERK: Not at all. We dunk them in dust before showing you.

ME: You just want to sell my car back to me part by part and then close the garage and celebrate by spraying synthetic blend everywhere, don’t you?

CLERK: Correct. I want that more than anything. I want to take everything from you and then not even offer you our horrible lobby coffee.

ME: Okay then. I’ll just take the regular oil change with whatever one’s cheapest.

CLERK: Sounds good. That’ll be $39.95.