2024 REPUBLICAN
PRIMARY DEBATE
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA
DECEMBER 6, 2023
8:00 PM: The fourth and (hopefully) final primary debate opens by showcasing the GOP’s diversity with moderator Megyn Kelly, a blonde white woman, flanked by not one but two brunette white women. Kelly tells the candidates not to interrupt, to keep their answers brief, and to remember that Santa Claus is canonically white. She also asks the audience to keep their applause to a minimum, noting she can’t imagine there will be much to celebrate from this loser parade anyway.
8:03 PM: Kelly delivers the first question of the night to former baby and current big boy Ron DeSantis, explaining that while Trump has a large lead in the polls, we’ve all agreed tonight to pretend that one of the sad sacks on stage could still bungle their way into the executive office. So she asks, “Why do think you still have a shot?” DeSantis replies that he has been taking classes to learn how to not naturally repulse people when he speaks. His tongue darts out and licks his eyeball before he continues, explaining that he wants to let the voters, not the puny pundits, decide.
8:05 PM: Kelly addresses Nikki Haley by noting that the former UN ambassador is currently worth $8 million and has met with “Wall Street heavyweights and several billionaires.” Isn’t she too tight with the banks and billionaires to win over the GOP’s base? Haley responds, “Thanks, my donors have told me I’m allowed to say it’s great to be here, Ron DeSantis is a liar, and everyone up here is jealous of me.” Kelly then turns to Reddit user Vivek Ramaswamy, “You’re an asshole, how’s that been working out for you?” Ramaswamy responds by attacking Haley, “You were bankrupt when you left the UN, and after that, you joined the board of Boeing, and now you’re a multimillionaire. That math means you’re corrupt.” DeSantis chimes in, “I agree with the asshole man.” Kelly interjects, “Chris Christie is also here.” Christie enthusiastically replies, “I am.”
8:13 PM: Kelly mentions that Christie gave Trump an A for his first term. “But you’ve turned on him,” she says. “How could you become the nominee when the base doesn’t seem to like you very much?” Christie smiles, “I’m up here to tell the truth, and the truth is Donald Trump is a terrible person. He’s so terrible he makes me look like Santa Claus, and yes, WHITE Santa Claus, Megyn—don’t worry, I’m still as horrible as you are, but let’s be real for a minute. Everyone else on this stage is scared of Trump, but me. The only thing I’m scared of is having to share a public beach.”
8:23 PM: One of the brunette women moves the conversation to the topic of Israel, asking DeSantis how far he would go to secure the release of American hostages. DeSantis says he knows a man named Michael who told him he once played a video game that had hostages in it, and he told him, “Don’t worry, Michael, there’s a new sheriff in town.” Chris Christie leans back in his white Adirondack rocking chair: “This is the problem with these debates. Ron gets asked a question and doesn’t answer it. I’m not entirely sure he knows what words mean. Also, why does he stand like that? He looks like an electrocuted frog.” DeSantis postures angrily as he’s seen humans do on reality television shows, “I know stuff, questions are when your pitch goes up at the end, and you say my name, and then I say stuff like a sheriff would if he were new in town.” Christie puts his feet up on a footrest and pulls a large brimmed hat down over his eyes.
8:37 PM: Continuing with foreign policy, the other brunette asks Haley if she believes it is time to bomb Iran. Haley responds, “No—unless a defense contractor winks at me.” Ramaswamy interrupts, “Only Nikki and Joe Biden support the pointless war in Ukraine, and everyone on my Discord server agrees that Nikki is a corrupt doo-doo head.” Annoyed, Christie sets down his margarita and lashes out at him. “This is the fourth debate where, in the first twenty minutes, you would be voted the most obnoxious blowhard in America, so just shut up. You can disagree with Nikki Haley on issues, but I’ve colluded with her longer than you’ve been calling yourself a Republican, and you need to stop insulting her.” Ramaswamy, bursting with glee, like every troll who finally gets the attention they didn’t as a child, smiles and says, “What we’ve learned is Chris Christie and Nikki Haley are sitting in a tree K-I-L-L-I-N-G. They’re lying again like they lied about the WMDs in Iraq, and the aliens in Nevada, and how the earth goes around the sun. You can put lipstick on a Dick Cheney, but it’s still a fascist neocon, which are all words I learned from a meme, but it also had a crying Michael Jordan, so… hold on, I’ll draw it.” One of the brunette moderators nods, and says, “Thank you, shut up.”
8:41 PM: DeSantis is asked about his advocating for extrajudicial killing at the borders. DeSantis practices his concerned face, “I met a baby in Florida who crawled on the carpet, ingested fentanyl from the carpet, and died. Do you think the liberal elite care about my ghost baby friend? Of course not. I was in Afghanistan, and let me tell you, Al Qaeda didn’t wear uniforms. They all wore man dresses, and when I see a dress, I start shooting. Kill anyone wearing a dress, ask questions later—that’s what this sheriff who is me and is new in town says.”
8:58 PM: Haley is asked if the government should make home ownership easier for young Americans. She nods, “I watched my daughter and her husband struggle to buy their second beach home. It’s a real problem, and that problem is the debt. If we just stop our out-of-control spending by cutting all services so that no one can get any help at all, they’ll be more grateful about finding shade in the shadow of a billboard for fighter jets or the doorway of a luxury yacht showroom.” DeSantis says, “The ghost baby introduced me to a young man in Iowa. He has a job but can’t afford even the most basic protein enhancement alpha energy pills. The reason for this is student loan debt. I don’t want to do anything pansy like forgiving it, I want to eliminate college entirely and put people back to work in mines. And not those woke gender-study mines either—the dirty, gross penis-y ones!”
9:35 PM: Kelly, looking up from her phone, tells the candidates, “I’m bored, fight more.” Ramaswamy smiles and holds up a piece of paper on which he’s written NIKKI = DUHHHH. Haley walks over and takes his crayon box, unlocks her purse with face ID, and tosses it in. “I’M TELLING,” Ramaswamy cries. Startled, Christie wakes up, saying, “Can you guys cool it? I am so hungover right now.” DeSantis smirks or has gas. He pulls out a HELLO MY NAME IS sticker, writes NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, on it, and affixes it to his jacket. He then stares into the camera, unblinking, for 120 seconds.
9:52 PM: Kelly rises from the moderator’s desk as if to leave but then turns back toward the candidates. “Oh yeah, just one more thing: Which former president would you draw inspiration from and why?”
CHRISTIE: I’d draw inspiration from Ronald Regan. I’ve been writing a book called What Would Regan Do, and honestly, this whole running for president thing is just my book tour.
HALEY: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, one of the big ones, you know the guys.
DESANTIS: I’ve been told I do much better when I don’t talk at all, so Calvin Coolidge is my hero.
RAMASWAMY: I know they want you to think National Treasure is just a movie, but there’s a lot they got right, and Thomas Jefferson left us tons of clues about chemtrails and lesbian frogs, so I’m going to go with him.
9:58 PM: “Wrap it up,” Kelly says from the back of the auditorium while ordering herself an Uber.
CHRISTIE: On election day, everyone will vote except Trump, who will be in jail. I don’t care if you boo, you’re all idiots, goodnight.
RAMASWAMY: Climate change is a hoax, the election was stolen, they’re Weekend at Bernie’s-ing Soros, look it up, click that follow button, and Baba Booey.
HALEY: No socialism, no drama, no donations under 500K. Thanks so much, everyone!
DESANTIS: While you all were arguing policy, I studied the blade.