“Florida schools are not required to teach sex education. However, they are required to teach health education that includes instruction on ‘the consequences of teenage pregnancy.’” — Sex Ed for Social Change

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Good morning, class. This week kicks off our sex ed module. It also ends our sex ed module. Governor Ron DeSantis has decided that all modern teens need to know about sex is how not to have it. So, instead of learning about the reproductive system and contraceptive options, we’re going to watch a video of him singing “Coconut” by Harry Nilsson. You’ve likely heard his music if you’ve ever had a father who was sad.

All right, it’s showtime. Let me just press play here on the old VCR

Okay, so while the bongos were an artistic choice by the governor, the singing here was legally mandated after he signed bill HB 69 into law. Kyle, I see you snickering, but not one single person who wrote the bill gets that joke.

Don’t worry about listening too closely to the lyrics. There won’t be a test—this isn’t Massachusetts. The song is simply about a man on a tropical island who’s given some lime with coconut to fix his hang—never mind. What the governor wants you to take away from this little ditty is that premarital sex will 100 percent result in pregnancy, and there aren’t enough limes or coconuts in the world to get you out of that “mix-it-all-up.”

Ah, here is my favorite part in the video: when the governor finally ends his bongo solo and puts on his boots. See if you can spot the four-inch heels. If you ever feel the urge to have sex before marriage, just think of those boots. They will stamp that fire right out.

Is the song about sex? I’m not allowed to answer that. All I can say is that our governor felt it was more important to educate you on the best song to listen to while smoking a cigarette in a bathrobe. It is, as our governor calls it, a “sick tune.” The only thing I’m legally allowed to teach you about sex is that if you ever want to have it, don’t say “sick tune.”

Okay, we’ve reached the big finale, when the governor throws in some cowbell that does not exist in the original song. And there you see him tossing in a random Christopher Walken impression, which I find to be the most troubling part of the video.

Kudos to Governor DeSantis for pushing abstinence to its very limits, I guess? If anything will stop teenagers from having sex, it’s a video of a guy clearly uncomfortable in his own skin absolutely annihilating a Harry Nilsson song.

Oh, thank god, there’s the bell. See you tomorrow. Don’t tell your parents I said this, but I’m sorry for everything I had to show you today.