Munich, 1938

Prime Ministers Chamberlain and Daladier agree to Hitler’s immediate occupation of the Sudetenland, throwing in Wales for “good measure.” Daladier takes a nighttime tour of Munich and is particularly fond of the Rathaus-Glockenspiel, remarking, “I very much liked the little dancers. Surely, our two peoples can find a path toward peaceful cooperation.” Mussolini teaches everyone how to make the perfect Aperol Spritz.

Appomattox, 1865

His retreat cut off, General Lee has no choice but to surrender to Union forces. He commits the Confederacy to freeing all of its enslaved people “some point very soon,” barring no irregularities with the crop yield. In return, General Grant opens a chain of clam chowder restaurants across central Virginia. President Lincoln orders the Department of the Treasury to mint a coin with his and Jefferson Davis’s likenesses to commemorate the occasion.

Paris, 1763

The kingdoms of Great Britain, France, Spain, and Portugal sign a treaty bringing a formal end to the Seven Years’ War. France agrees to recognize British sovereignty over Canada, just as soon as their next shipment of globes comes in. Famed British cricket fieldsman Archibald Eden, also in attendance, reportedly weeps in gratitude of King George’s “tremendous job.”

Manhattan, 1626

Peter Minuit, Director of the Dutch North American colony of New Netherland, purchases the island of Manhattan from a group of Lenape Indians for 60 guilders, though he asks them not to cash the check till the last Friday of the month. In a letter to the board of the Dutch West India Company, Minuit states that he knew “within the first minute” of meeting them that the deal would go well and he looks forward to future economic opportunities with the Lenape. The Lenape could not be reached for comment.