“The Supreme Court said on Monday it will hear a challenge to a Mississippi law barring almost all abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy, setting up a clear opportunity for the court’s new 6-3 conservative majority to reexamine Roe v. Wade, the 1973 decision that established the constitutional right to abortion.” — Time Magazine, 5/17/21
Our amazing Supreme Court is totally ready to rule on women’s reproductive rights, and honestly, there’s never been a Supreme Court better suited to do this important job. Just look at our impressive line-up of justices.
No one can outshine Brett Kavanaugh when it comes to treating women with dignity, because as a young man, he joined a fraternity that was famous for trashing women. Brett’s frat bros were so feminist that they ransacked women’s dorm rooms to steal their bras and underwear, and then hoisted a flag made of the garments. As a senior, Brett joined a secret all-male society known as “Tit and Clit” whose members dedicated themselves to getting blackout drunk and having “sex with coeds.”
But there’s no better illustration of Brett’s unique qualifications to make a weighty decision that will impact millions of women than the words of Christine Blasey Ford during her sworn testimony before the Senate: “Brett groped me and tried to take off my clothes… I tried to yell for help. When I did, Brett put his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. This was what terrified me the most, and has had the most lasting impact on my life. It was hard for me to breathe, and I thought that Brett was accidentally going to kill me.”
How awesome is it that Brett now gets to decide on whether or not a woman should make choices about her own body? As PJ, Tobin, and Squee might say, “Pass me another beer!”
But wait, there’s more! In order to properly rule on whether or not women will lose the abortion rights they’ve fought so hard to win, our Supreme Court also boasts Clarence Thomas, another women’s rights champion who asked his assistant, Anita Hill, out on a date. When she turned him down, Clarence proceeded to talk about his penis size and describe rape scenes to her, harassing her until she had to be hospitalized with stomach pains.
The all-white, all-male Senators who questioned Anita Hill under oath and vetted Clarence Thomas sure did a great job talking about women’s large breasts and asking if she was a scorned woman. Because they were so diligent in bestowing such enormous power onto Clarence Thomas, they missed the other women workers who similarly accused him of harassment. Now #HeToo gets to rule about women’s bodies. So go ahead and order a Coke along with that beer, boys!
The Mississippi abortion law in question was already blocked by one of the most conservative courts in the country, but that didn’t stop our women lovin’ Supreme Court Justices from agreeing to consider it. If SCOTUS upholds the Mississippi law, 24 states could ban abortion completely. This is why it’s so fabulous that Amy Coney Barrett, the most outspoken of all the judges against abortion rights and who publicly said Roe v Wade was “barbaric,” will also get to rule on this case.
Barrett’s pro-women credentials are so stellar that she was a member of the People of Praise Movement, a religious sect that called women handmaids and believed that wives must submit to the will of their husbands. Ex-members of the group have described emotional trauma and sexual abuse, so it’s fitting that the Mississippi abortion law is so restrictive that it makes no exemption for women and girls who were rape and incest victims.
Our mind-bogglingly fantastic Supreme Court is no accident, mind you. Millions of dark money dollars have gone into building this extraordinary Court full of Christian fundamentalists. And even though the majority of Americans support Roe v Wade, our frat boy handmaiden Supreme Court is ready to make good on that investment and strip women of their hard-won reproductive rights.
So hoist that underwear flag and get ready for forced pregnancies! Squee!