To the dedicated friend of me,
I want to begin by thanking you for your commitment to Friendship over the years.
Unfortunately, the model that we have previously followed — unlimited hanging out — has proven to be unsustainable. At the rate we were going, by 2021, 100% of people who are me would be unable to sustain another excruciating second of this inane and monotonous association.
We have a responsibility to ourselves and our subscribers (who are also us) to shift gears and restructure our companionship to reach new, unprecedented levels of tolerability.
That’s why I’m introducing Friendship Plus. For just $9.95 a month, you will have the same access to me that you’ve always enjoyed, but at least I’ll have a reason to keep this charade going other than a profound sense of guilty obligation.
Starting today, I am rolling out a number of new features — and a few old favorites — that will make Friendship Plus more fulfilling than any of its predecessors. These include, and are limited to:
Since the beginning of Friendship, you’ve had the option to talk to me about every tiny aspect of your life, with guaranteed access to responses like “oh man,” “that sucks,” and “wow, so cool!” But now, with Friendship Plus, you’ll unlock responses like “seriously? that’s wild,” “your supervisor sounds like quite a piece of work,” and “dude, you’re totally right!”
Before Friendship Plus, I would have told you that just because we’ve breathed the same air in a room before, doesn’t mean we should start a band or a webcomic or whatever it is you’ve been going on about. But now, you know what? Whatever. We can get in a room and record a podcast about Legend of Korra fanfiction on a twice-weekly basis, if that’s really what you want. Jesus, is that really what you want?
Alternatively texting each other “wya” at 8:13 p.m. on Fridays
This is the best part about Friendship — we always assume the other person is interested in hanging out, but never burden them with an actual proposal of what we would end up doing. Friendship Plus also includes a complimentary ghosting after you indicate what your plans are.
Talking about going on a day trip and definitely never doing it
I’ll be honest. I don’t know what the hell the Catskills are. But regardless, Friendship Plus includes all-you-can-text conversations about how “we should just pick a date and go for it,” links to Yelp reviews for a diner that’s the same as every other diner but this one is 50 miles away, and the inevitable “so, is this happening?” text at 11:47 p.m. the night before. Of course this isn’t happening! It hypothetically starts before noon on a Saturday! But Friendship Plus will allow us to bandy about the idea in delightful perpetuity.
Doing stuff that sucks because it feels like
a jerk move to say “no” without other plans
Escape the Room is expensive, frustrating, and hasn’t been culturally relevant in like three years, but yeah sure who cares — I’d rather pay 35 bucks and get it over with than argue about whether it would be fun. No, seriously, it’s fine. Let’s just go. I don’t care.
Letting you complain about your roommates while
secretly thinking “oh god you’re the bad roommate for sure.”
Oh man! They left a passive-aggressive note on the fridge? Just because you left a rotten banana in there for a month? That’s so, uh, unreasonable of them!
I knew that some aspects of Friendship Classic deserved to make this transition untouched. You’ll continue to receive the same last-minute messages you’ve come to expect, from “something came up,” to “feeling a bit under the weather,” to the ever-nebulous “family obligation” that always manages to coincide with traffic being bad.
Running into each other and thinking it would actually be less awkward if we were just acquaintances and could just say a quick “hi,” but because we’re somewhat closer than that, we have to make a game-time decision about whether to merge our groups or just pretend we didn’t see each other
Wouldn’t want that to never happen again!
But of course, I’ve buried the lede here. If you’re wondering what will happen to the lynchpin of our time together, fear not — I am proud to announce that Friendship Plus will include our signature mutual activity:
We have to do it anyway, so it can’t be a waste of time!
I hope you’ll join me in the exciting new journey of Friendship Plus. But honestly, if it’s like not your thing, that’s totally cool too. Don’t feel obligated! It’s seriously chill. We can hang some other time. Nooooo probbbbbb.