You think you got what it takes to join the Dominos? We are the biggest bruisers this side of the 195. You better be sure you can handle all kinds of heat, because we don’t take nothin’ from nobody, and we sure as heck don’t associate with people who don’t think about which dog breeds, if they were transformed into human ladies, would be the prettiest to dance with.

You say you can take a punch, but can you take a beating from three hyped-up South Side Spiders and then still give it right back? ‘Cause that’s what it’ll take. We wear these jackets with pride on account of being tough. You know what else is tough? Deciding whether a Golden Retriever or a Chocolate Lab would be a more beautiful dance partner. Sure, the Golden is clearly the prettier option, (as a human woman, of course), but that’s only before the dancing. Chocolate Labs are very graceful, and that matters.

How do these dogs become dames? Not a huge part of the thought exercise, but not inessential. The lady you get from a scientific transformation process on a dog (like, maybe a machine) is obviously gonna look a little different than the one from magic (including genie wishes). There’s a whole bigger picture to consider.

Just like with you. We’re not just looking for the strongest, or the meanest. We want grit. We want scrap. We want guys who understand there is nothing sexual or perverted about this. It’s just dancing. And besides, we are considering them after they are human women. The dog breed is just a starting point for the larger exercise. We’re not monsters.

Sure, we rough up the guys who mess around on our turf, but that’s a part of an overarching code. There are principles on these streets. We don’t cast any first stones, but we sure as hell will cast a second and a third, and throw in a nice, strong right hook for good measure. We don’t start nothin’, but we don’t back down from nothin’ neither. The point of the Dominos is to be a brotherhood. We’re here to protect each other, enjoy each other’s company, and collectively deliberate which kind of dog-lady would make all the other guys green to their gills with envy when you bring her all dolled up to the ball.

And none of this “Goldendoodles are the prettiest before and after you figure in the dancing (as human women — can’t stress this enough) so what’s the point of a comprehensive ranking” crap. First of all, definitively, they’re not. They’re a gorgeous breed, don’t get me wrong, and will perennially crack the top tier (especially if we are talking genie wish transformation into woman-form), but Portuguese Water Dogs clean up real good, and that’s not for nothin’.

So, whaddya say? You still think you can hang with the Dominos? Hardest thing I ever did was what it took to put on my black dots, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I ain’t more proud of nothin’ else.

Also, no goddamn brackets. There’s no elimination. Standards of beauty for women change, so must standards of beauty for women who are representing a dog breed with their totally human (and only dog breed inspired) features. The dancing part never changes, though. Always ballroom, no exceptions. There’s gotta be some kind of control; otherwise there’s no way to keep track of all the permutations. Capiche?