Are you looking for a nanny? Are you not particularly concerned about your child’s welfare? If so, our terrible nanny may be the perfect fit for you and your family. Trained in tango, bartending, and a host of other skills entirely unrelated to the care of a human being, she’s a great nanny if you just want to get away from your baby, and it’s either her or the street.

In six months of working for us, she was never on time. She was always on the phone, our child hated her, and she stole from us. She claimed to have years of experience, but probably didn’t. She enjoyed reality television, leaving our baby unsupervised, and starting small fires. It’s a wonder she hasn’t been locked up. And she’s available immediately.

Look, everyone else says their nanny is the best—but by the laws of statistics, they can’t all be. If you’re tired of the comparisons, and don’t feel like you need to justify your decision to outsource the care of your child to a stranger with no marketable skills that allow her to make more than the pittance you’re aiming to pay, I don’t think our nanny could be more perfect for your situation.

And, no, she doesn’t know CPR, or how to lock a baby gate, or speak any languages at all, including her native one, but she means well—at least when she’s not intoxicated—and isn’t that what’s important? She may invite her boyfriend over—but that’s just one more pair of eyes on your child. And she may park your kid in front of the TV all day—but you’d do it too. That’s why you’re hiring her—so you can pretend your baby is being taken care of. And he is, sort of. Isn’t that enough?

She’s really good at texting. She fixed our stroller once after it was hit by a bus. She makes amazing mojitos. And she’s willing to be paid in cash. So what are you waiting for? Hope it’s not her indictment, because we’re not sure about her availability after that point. She has a driver’s license, although we would discourage giving her access to your car since she may try to leave the state. She wears really nice shoes.

She’s like a member of the family. The side we don’t talk to. She never gets sick, or at least she doesn’t tell us when she does. She knows all the other nannies in the neighborhood and tries to get them to cover for her when she’s too hung over to work. She taught our baby that crying never gets you anywhere, and how to read the number off his parents’ credit card.

So if you really can’t wait to go back to work, and honestly didn’t realize this baby thing was going to be so time-consuming, give her a call and let her know you’d like her to come in for an interview. She probably won’t show up, but then tell her you’ve got drugs and she’ll be right over. Other parents may try to awkwardly tell you she’s a bad influence, but at least it’s all out in the open. There’s no hiding. Yes, that’s a face tattoo. But it’s tasteful.

We’d like to find her a new good job. Okay, she’s threatening us if we don’t. So, please, reach out. On the plus side, she breastfeeds.