Employee: Poppins, Mary
Job Title: Nanny
Reviewer: George Banks, Esq. of 17 Cherry Tree Lane
I must begin by stating that Mary Poppins was not my ideal candidate for this position. While she does fulfill the chief requirements as set forth by the children (having a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks, etc), her references and past history in the childcare industry are severely lacking. Indeed, I would not have hired her at all if the competition had not been conveniently blown away by a particularly fierce gust of wind. While she does seem to understand the key components of the job, her methods are unorthodox, bordering on psychotic. I feel bound to disclose that I find her vanity, as demonstrated by the multiple mirrors she carries with her in her carpet bag, and her unusually high self esteem, quite grating.
Mary’s verbal communication skills are questionable, at best. She prefers to speak in riddles and has a propensity for addressing those in positions of authority in a manner that can only be described as “cheeky.” Her vocabulary also leaves much to be desired. She insists upon teaching my children unpronounceable words, resulting in the singing of lighthearted songs ‘round the breakfast table. Her ability to communicate and harmonize with animals, both real and animated, is alarming, though not so much as the power she wields over the written word. I have not yet been able to prove this, but I suspect that she has the ability to control bits of paper, and can reassemble the pieces, after they have been torn up and thrown into a fire.
While her communication skills are questionable, her judgment is completely unsound. In the past, she has neglected errands assigned to her, including hiring a piano tuner, purchasing gingerbread and shopping for fish, in favor of taking the children to visit one of her mentally incapacitated relatives, commonly referred to as “Uncle Albert.” This frivolous outing ended with my children being stricken with a similar illness, whose side effects include drinking tea on the ceiling. Similarly dangerous daytrips include horse racing and gallivanting on rooftops with dance crews of like-minded chimney sweeps. Worst of all, Mary Poppins deceived me into bringing my children into work at the bank with me. This little stunt resulted in mass hysteria as the majority of the patrons attempted to withdraw their money, causing a depression-like riot. The aforementioned riot cost me my favorite umbrella, my job and my sanity.
While I am loath to give Ms. Poppins any credit, I must admit that her time here has been entirely cost effective. As I am to understand it, she prefers to travel by way of umbrella, allowing the family to save money on train fare. She also ascends (and descends) the stairs by sitting upon the banister, preventing wear and tear on the family carpeting. Her outings with the children, while entirely unsafe, are of a mostly free nature, although time has yet to tell how much money will be spent on therapy brought on by said outings.
Mary Poppins refuses to comply with appropriate business procedures. She was unable to give me two weeks notice; instead telling me her decision to leave was based upon the wind changing. She drinks on the job, being so bold as to alter the flavor of the children’s cough medicine to something resembling “Rum Punch”. And I’m convinced that her relationship with Bert, who dabbles as a chimney sweep, sidewalk chalk artist and one man band, is not of an unromantic nature.
To sum up, Mary Poppins has been entirely unsatisfactory in her position as Nanny. However, due to the fact that my wife is a brainless suffragette, whose favorite pastimes include showing off her knickers and going down to Downing Street to throw things at the Prime Minister, I am afraid that we were in no position to discharge her. If you are considering hiring Ms. Poppins, I strongly suggest utilizing a trial period.