Hey, Mom and Dad! Need a well-deserved break but don’t have the stamina for a standing room only, live jazz concert with DOORS AT 9 printed on the tickets? Book a babysitter and join us at the Eastside Community Center for a night on the town with critically-acclaimed (Pitchfork: 8.6/10, Metacritic: 83/100) saxophonist Kamasi Washington. He will be performing with his 10-piece band somewhere far away much later that night to a youthful, energetic crowd. You, however, will be able to listen to the album well before your bed time, splayed out on a bean bag with like-minded old people. Tell your friends and children that you went to a concert and show them you still have passion in your veins (in addition to elevated triglycerides).

We promise a comfy, safe, rager of an experience, as close to the real thing that you will find without having to stand for four hours in a hot, sweaty firetrap. We will play the CD of a guaranteed-to-disappoint opening act (MoLDy! mY Wolf PuPPie covers Andy Williams) promptly at 5 PM so that you will still be able to make it home by 9:30 PM, even if you swing by Taco Bell first. To better simulate a typical concert experience, you may push your bean bags right up to the stage when you rush the doors at 5 PM. The stage is where the CD player will be placed. Later, press your bag next to (or even directly in front of!) other Washington fans to simulate a typical concert experience. We’ve got the bad sight lines covered: our tallest guests will be placed on risers at the very front so that you will need to crane your neck to see the CD player. When you are ready to make your way to the Icee bar, push past everyone else with an “It’s cool, we’re allowed to push each other at a concert” nod but do not smile. This is a concert, not a Quaker meeting.

Only one person will be allowed to smoke weed (Jeff), but everyone will be able to sniff the air and ask “Is that weed?” and giggle.

Like any concert you have attended in the past, you will be expected to bellow in loud voice to your companion about all the other amazing shows you’ve seen. Go ahead, drop all the names you’ve got – Pat Metheny (“Not as good as Spyro Gyra”), Spyro Gyra (“Not as good as Chick Corea”), Chick Corea (“Not as good as the Yellowjackets”), the Yellowjackets (“Not as good as Pol Potluck”), Pol Potluck (“You wouldn’t have heard of them – they played on a 0.2” made especially for Playskool dollhouses and were banned in 87 countries”)…we want to hear ‘em all! Name dropping is proof that you appreciate and understand good music. Also, the first 100 guests will be allowed to invoke the phrase “Flying Lotus wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for Jaco Pastorius.” Arrive early!

You will be encouraged to brag to others about your personal experience playing in high school jazz combo, with emphasis on that time you were awarded a trumpet case for best solo performance at the Tomah County High School Battle of the Bands ‘92. Please address the crowd and tell us all about your eight bars of ostinato on The Doors’ “Light My Fire,” which by the way isn’t jazz. Briefly think about playing in a band again, then remember you are 44 with two kids, a wife, a dog, and a hernia.

In the unlikely event you feel lightheaded, we will have a registered nurse in attendance to check your blood pressure and administer some nice juice.

Plugs of various shapes and sizes will be provided for your ears in the event you have insufficient hairy overgrowth to protect them from medium-to-low decibels. Please, leave those skinny jeans at home. Loose-fitting clothing, even pajamas, even “blanket pants” constructed of quilts and chip clips, define the dress code for the evening.

Kamasi Washington’s audacious debut was the three-disc set The Epic, almost three hours of virtuoso performance spanning the history of jazz, from John Coltrane to Miles Davis, a debut the Guardian called “massive in scale and scope.” Yet you cannot stand for an entire concert. That is what this evening is about.

Other activities might include age-appropriate movies or popcorn or dinner and crafty projects. Keep safe, busy, and happily meeting new friends!

Next month: Daft Punk plays Coachella aka Embassy Suites happy hour in the atrium. With special guests MoLDy! mY Wolf PuPPie and Suze Orman.

Admission covered by Medicare part B. Ask us about our Rolling Stones Arena Tour / Death with Dignity special!