Read Part I and Part II

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Face it: we all want our events to be their best, but we don’t always know how. The Art of Hosting is the guide to hosting you have been craving. It’s warm, candid, and full of practical advice for making your dinner party, barbecue, mixer, or wedding the best it can be. We hope you enjoy it!

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Don’t you dare fucking tell people to take off their shoes. Are you fucking serious? Who is the manufacturer of such floors, floors that can’t be walked on? Who the fuck would buy such floors? If you bought such floors, you are fucking stupid and you are shit out of luck, because your guests will be walking on them with their motherfucking shoes on. These are fucking adults you’re asking to your house. You want them walking around in socks? Did they all know they’d be in socks all fucking night? Or barefoot? You told them this? You did, you fucking asshole? No, you didn’t. You invited adults, adults who customarily wear fucking shoes, into your house. They’re keeping their fucking shoes on.


If you have one of those fucking stupid dogs that jump on people or bark in people’s faces, or bark at all, then fuck you. Don’t have people over. Fuck you with your dog. Your guests drive thirty miles and come to your door and your fucking animal scares the shit out of them when they ring your doorbell? Barking like a fucking savage? Put that fucking animal in the backyard. In a back room. Loan him to a neighbor. Just get him the fuck away from your guests. They didn’t come over to contend with your fucking animal. And don’t say he doesn’t usually bite. Don’t say he’s just excited to see you. Now he’s got his claws on Mariana’s silk skirt. Fuck you. Your invitation implied a party involving humans, not animals. Fuck your dog.


Cats are okay.