Philadelphia is her government name. You can call her “Philly,” if you’re family.

Philly knows how to say water. Don’t tell her how to use her u’s.

Somebody says, “You get to have a mascot!” And Philly chooses something halfway between a furry orange pizza and your Uncle Larry.

You and Philly get sloshed. You get your heel stuck in the cobblestones. Philly won’t stop scream-singing Hall and Oates. Only twelve months to go until the next Philly Furnace Party!

There are the bones of at least a dozen people under Washington Square. She wants to go dig them up!

Al Capone stayed here. In prison. Look, here’s his tasteful paintings.

And this is where George Washington took a little nap.

And this is where Ona Judge, George Washington’s slave who overheard she was about to be passed off as a wedding present, took off. She escaped on the sloop Nancy, saying, “Even New England is better than this.”

That hitchhiking robot that made it all across all fifty states? Yep, Philly decapitated it, then stripped that jawn. The rumble don’t stumble.

If you look up at City Hall at just the right angle at the golden hour, you’ll see William Penn’s right hand is actually his Billy Penn-is.

Why is there a cheesteak place across from a cheesteak place? Because there is a vape shop next to a vape shop, a pizza jawn across from a pizza jawn, and a trolley driver who recites poetry.

Yes, that is a mural penis. Yes, that is another penis. Look, one of her favorite artists just so happens to rely on penises heavily. He is a world-famous eccentric, OK?

She is sensitive about her art. Do not press her on this.

Chi-Town is her sister from another grifter, even if they’re really just cousins, and actually not related at all. Hey, Cuz: luv ya.

Philly is all brotherly love, OK? But she is also so gritty that there is even a knockoff Gritty. And, if you come down from New York in a power suit, you better think about how long you plan to stick around. Don’t make these earrings come out. Don’t make her spit out her gum. Philly is always down to fight for Philly.


Philly goes down to Jewelers’ Row just to take a selfie through the eyes of Silver Linings Playbook. You both cry about it.

There goes Kate Winslet again, hugging on a Wawa.

Her most attractive feature: It’s always sunny in Philadelphia. And her left side.

No better way to celebrate the New Year with Philly than puking up ice-cold Perronis and your favorite water-ice combo in the gutters on Two Street with a bunch of old white men while the whole country watches.

This is the birthplace of democracy, people. Philly doesn’t care about the Spanish Flu, she’s gonna throw that Liberty Loan Parade and kiss all the 1918 babies. It’s patriotic.

Everybody stays up all night studying. Philly rolls out of bed still a bit drunk, counts some ballots, saves the day. You’re welcome, nation.

You race to the top of the Art Museum steps doing Rocky arms. You win, she punches you out. Secretly, you wish all your friends were like this.