If you’re calling about something extremely peripheral that doesn’t affect an important part of your life, or anyone’s life, press 1.

If you’re calling to report something that would be easy for us to fix but is almost 100% guaranteed to be not the reason for your call, press 2.

If you’re calling to restore a service that would allow you to live like a regular human with basic amenities, be aware we are experiencing unusually high call volume.

If you’re calling to speak to a representative, please listen to the following seven options.

If you’re calling because last time you called you waited more than 40 minutes and never heard your option, be aware we have new options that can be selected by pressing 9 at the end of this list of options.

If you’re calling because this list is beginning to resemble a surrealist poem in its purported use-value but actual non-utilitarian divagations, and you want to make sure you can reproduce it accurately for your Buñuel-inspired student film, please feel free to press 6, 8 and 2 to hear all the options again.

If you’re calling to report a gas leak, be aware this is an option often chosen by customers who believe this is the only way to speak to a human being. To hear other ways to speak with a customer representative, please listen to the following nine options.

If you’re getting tired of the word “options,” because it doesn’t really apply to this situation, which is a very basic quid-pro-quo one that a human could address far better than a phone tree, please hang up and try your call later.