In today’s “digital landscape” (a phrase that I came up with by myself), everyone’s personal information is for sale. Internet service providers, search engines, and social networks are selling everything there is to know about someone to companies every day so that they can use it for marketing. It’s a really solid business model and I respect it, but if any companies out there are trying to buy my personal information I would prefer they do it from me directly.
Companies, don’t let yourself get nickel and dimed on data. If you buy my personal data from me directly I’ll cut you a huge discount and then we both win: you save money and I see a little profit too, which I could really use. Things are tight right now.
I offer the following “data packages” to any companies interested in buying my personal information.
The “Grain of Salt” Package – $1
The “Grain of Salt” package gets you my full name, home address, email, employer, all known aliases, and some fake aliases just to throw you off. Some of the other info will be fake too, because it’s the worst package. You have to buy one of the better ones to get the really good, accurate data.
The “Bare Bones” Package – $15
This package gets you all the personal information listed above but none of it’s fake this time.
The “Receipts” Package – $50
You get all the personal information listed above, plus a report of everything I purchased this year in case you want to market any products to me.
The “Receipts Deluxe” Package – $230
Along with all the information previously listed, you’ll receive a few mock-ups of some targeted banner ads that I would probably click on if I saw them. This will make it easier to market towards me. Satisfaction is not guaranteed as many of the banner ads will most likely be too explicit to run on any work-safe website.
The “Receipts Deluxe: Overdrive” Package – $350
Gets you all the same personal information as the Receipts Deluxe package, PLUS an enamel pin.
The “Receipts Deluxe: Overdrive Ultra” Package – $700
In addition to all the above information and the pin, I’ll personally record a “shout out” video thanking you for buying my data. (Example: “Hey [your company name], I just want to say thank you so much for buying all my personal information — you guys are the freakin’ best! Keep on rockin’!!!”)
The “Big Kahoona” – $1,000
Now we’re getting into the good stuff. The Big Kahoona gets you everything above, plus some more intimate information like my sexual history, medical records, net worth, and a list of all my biggest insecurities.
The “High Roller” – $2,000
The High Roller provides you with all the above information, as well as some potentially damaging information like a list of all the crimes I’ve committed, and a few that I’m thinking about trying. Oh, and a sticker!
The “Curious Cat” – $2,200
Gets you everything above, plus I’ll tell you the story of how my life got to the point where I need to be doing all this for money. It’s insane.
The “Social Butterfly” – $3,500
Gets you everything above plus access to my personal texts, emails, and Facebook messages, under the strict provision that the other parties involved in these communications consent to having their correspondence read by a third party.
The “Social Butterfly: Unchained” – $3,505
Same as the Social Butterfly package, but don’t worry about that last thing.
The “Watchdog” – $4,000
Everything above and you’re allowed to track me at all times through a GPS chip, similar to the way rangers keep tabs on wild animals in state parks.
The “More The Merrier” Package – $5,000
All the personal information listed above, plus any info I have on my friends and loved ones that I think you might find useful for marketing purposes, or even just find funny. My friend Greg McConville from Poughkeepsie, NY often has sex dreams about his cousin, for example.
The “Gold” Package – $10,000
Gets you my name, home address, email, employer, all known aliases, purchase history, an enamel pin, targeted banner mock-ups, a thank you video, my intimate medical and sexual history, net worth, a list of my crimes, a sticker, the story of how I got to this point, access to all my digital correspondence without consent, GPS tracking and personal data on my loved ones, plus I will tell everyone that YOU’RE the one who invented the phrase “digital landscape,” instead of me.
The “Jackpot” – $20,000
Jackpot, baby! This deluxe package gets you everything from the Gold package, and I will tell you a list of all the girls that I have a crush on right now but I swear to god if you tell anyone you are DEAD MEAT!!!