1. My part was first offered to Stanley Tucci. He said FUCK NO. I said FUCK YES.

2. I am 24.1

3. I got my MFA in Acting at Yale, bitch.

4. I only took this role for the SAG health insurance.

5. I can only talk while walking and escorting you to an important meeting/lunch/drop-in.

6. All the exposition I need to share with you is conveniently packed into that short walk to meeting/lunch.

7. I look like a gazelle fucked a marble kitchen countertop.

8. My character’s name is usually Chad, Derek, Marc, Mark, Joey, Danny, etc.

9. Usually remind you where you work: “YOU WORK AT VOGUE!

10. Other fave lines:

  • “Well the boss is PRE-TTY pissed. You know how he gets on Thursdays…”
  • “She’s really doing it!”

11. I don’t have a last name so don’t bother asking.

12. My outfit is some sort of purple/orange monstrosity that is… ridiculous?

13. I will give you a really good idea, but of course, let you think you came up with it yourself. Just happy to be a part of your narrative!

14. I live at the office. I am never seen outside the office, and if I am it’s in some sort of ridiculous disguise getting your character some intel.

15. I make more facial gestures in one scene than anyone else in the entire film. I am especially great with eye-rolls.

16. At one point, the female lead will undoubtedly say, “Ugh, why can’t I just date you?” to which I will reply any of the following: “Tried it in college,” or “Do I look 19 anymore?”

17. I secretly wish you were Cate or Kate.2

18. I’ll be invited on the press junket but I am in an Off-Broadway play (Othello, bitch), so I won’t go.

19. I firmly believe this dreck should have stayed a book.

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1 33

2 Blanchett/Winslet