Dear Coach Sean,

I’m grateful for what you’ve done this season with the First Federal Braves.

Jason’s confidence is really soaring and the whole family is proud he’s a starter in Hallie Area Little League. If he keeps pitching this way, maybe I will be able to retire early. (Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. HA!) We’re glad that the squad is now 11-4. And we have so much respect for you as a coach and we always remind Jason “Coach Knows Best.” We really want to drum that into him. Like you, we’re sticklers for authority.

With all due respect, however, I would ask that you kindly refrain from calling Jason “Stud,” when you are proud of him. I would be delighted if you continued to address him as “Jase,” “Champ,” “Tiger,” “Big J,” “The J-Man,” or even “Dude” or “little Dude.” But my wife and I think “Stud” connotes a bridge Jason has yet to cross. I’m sure you do not mean it in a negative way, just we’re not so eager to see our boy as a “Stud.”

Jason is a great athlete and has learned a lot from YOU. We realize that he is only eleven-years-old but already stands 5’10". He is gonna be a MONSTER. (Who also dunks big-time in basketball season.) We have a hard time with shoes and clothes because he is always growing. Often they get passed down to Gary Jr. we then wish they could go to Stephanie, but we don’t want her to be thought of as our third son who is also a girl, when of course, she is our first daughter who is a girl. Stephanie has shown interest in skating and volleyball.

So, please accept our “thanks” for always getting the team a great shrimp dinner following a win (or loss) at your mom’s fantastic Surf and Reel restaurant. Keeping the boys full is a daily task, and we are thankful for this area being mainly your budget-friendly family-style buffet-type places. And a generous coach as opposed to one who coaches a sport then leaves when kids have questions or hunger or life needs.

Just, please “watch it” with the Stud sayings. Did you know Stud means that a bull is giving a female cow his semen? Hello! A stud horse is sent in to make another horse pregnant via the love act. I don’t want my son to be thought of as any semen provider or casanova or love maker. I ask you to remember his innocence, sir!!! An eleven-year-old pitcher can be a cool jock without the whole “stud” thing.

Keith Habb says he doesn’t care what you do or say. But maybe it is because Jared Habb is hitting .143 as of Friday night and always puts his foot in the bucket for fastballs. Not to insult the Habbses (they are good people, mostly, who do the best they can on Keith’s Foot Locker salary), but if anyone on the Braves IS a stud, we think it is Jason. BUT we don’t think so yet because Jason is eleven. Christ, Keith Habb’s wife drank a lot of Spiced Rum on the Kenosha trip, too. That’s FYI. And not to leave this letter via your mouth. Just a heads-up to watch her around other’s kids and a reminder about does insurance for traveling cover kids who are in her way if she causes harm while “under the influence”?

So Jason is a good kid, as I’m sure we agree. Let’s just leave the terms about erect and hard penises and breeding for late nite cinemax and the Lolita-type movies. We’re not crazy Jesus Freaks, just good parents. And thanks. We don’t want to make you mad or anything….

Gary and Kimberly Meicen