Did you hear me out there, Malph? I mean, did you hear that shit? The chicks were falling left and right. And that’s not tricks, Malph. That’s true talent right there. You think the Fonz would be getting some every night if he hadn’t crossed the wires on that jukebox last July? That ratty hand-me-down leather jacket, you know where he got that shit? His mom gave it to him for his bar mitzvah 45 years ago. You think he’s such hot shit now, Malph? Shit, man, I was on fire! No one in Milwaukee can croon like I can, and you’d better believe that fucking Chachi didn’t know what hit him. His bitch was swooning all over me. She’s always loved me, you know that, Ralphie? She thought she was hiding it from me, keeping some big secret, but that girl has loved the Pots since the day she tried on her first pair of culottes. She thought she was too smart for me. She thought I’d never discover her undying love for the Pots. She thought she could hide behind that spiky-haired, short-pants-wearing, bandana-obsessed asshole, but I’ve got her right where I want her now. Tonight, Malph, tonight’s the night. Richie’s out with Mrs. Cunningham, buying duvet covers. Mr. Cunningham’s staying late at the store, as usual, if you know what I mean. Chachi and the Fonz are cruising town with Laverne, and do you know where that puts me? In Joanie’s pants! One note from this songbird and she’ll be all over me. And you aren’t stopping me, Malph. Not this time. Potsie’s gonna get some tail, the tail he’s always deserved. Fuck you, Malph, don’t touch me! Get your hands off me, fucker! I’ve got a Swiss Army knife, and I’m not afraid to use it. I’ll corkscrew your ass! Fine, tell Chachi on me, see if I care. You think I care? It’s time for Warren “Potsie” Weber to get some action. Well, you know what? If you see it that way, Malph, you leave me no choice, you bastard. I thought we were friends, but I guess you’re just a cheap fucking bottle of wine, aren’t you? I’ll crack your head open so fast you won’t know whether you’re a Merlot or a Pinot Noir. You were always the secondary redhead anyway, you know that? Richie’s been waiting to see you bleed for years!
McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
February 26, 2008