October 19, 2007
Alex Rodriguez will sign with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
Starting tomorrow, people all over the Northeast region of the United States will spend much of their free time raking.
Bill O’Reilly will never go out to dinner with Al Sharpton again.
The day after Thanksgiving will be busy. Plan ahead.
September 10, 2007
NFL 2007–2008 season:
(Yes, we are aware that the season started last Thursday, but we made these predictions before then. Honest.)
AFC East: Patriots
AFC North: Steelers
AFC South: Colts
AFC West: Chargers
Wild Card: Bengals, Titans
NFC East: Eagles
NFC North: Bears
NFC South: Saints
NFC West: 49ers
Wild Card: Rams, Cardinals
Super Bowl: Patriots over Saints
Super Bowl halftime show: Daughtry, Elton John, K-Ci and JoJo, 600 Chinese acrobats, and a mountain lion.
Your dinner tomorrow night:
That leftover chicken-and-broccoli thing from last week, potato salad (store-bought), and a nonjudgmental glass of Merlot.
April 6, 2006
A mild summer for most of the Southeast, and above-average precipitation for Southern California. The rest of you are on your own.
Major League Baseball Division Championships for:
New York Mets
Los Angeles Dodgers
Toronto Blue Jays
Chicago White Sox
MARCH MADNESS EDITION
March 16, 2006
Southern Illinois over West Virginia
Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Oklahoma
Northern Iowa over Georgetown
First No. 1 seed to lose:
Over/under on asinine things to come out of Billy Packer’s mouth:
March 7, 2006
The television show Lost will be canceled in three years or fewer.
The polar ice caps will melt, submerging much of the Northern Hemisphere under water, within Britney Spears’s children’s children’s lifetimes.
Some publisher (or publishers) will release a parody (or parodies) of John Grogan’s Marley & Me. At least one of them will be about a lemur.
Dick Cheney will run for emperor president.
February 27, 2006
Emily Hughes will become a Neutrogena spokesmodel. Frankly, it seems odd to us that this hasn’t already happened. It’s like she bathes in milk thrice daily.
Our roof will need replacing in the next six months. It’s original to the house and the house is 14 years old, so this seems like a dead cinch.
Good Night, and Good Luck will win the best-picture Oscar.
The final five contestants on the current season of American Idol will be:
1. Paris Bennett (the 17-year-old who nailed “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
2. Taylor Hicks (prematurely gray guy). Bonus prediction that he’ll sing a Joe Cocker song at some point during the competition.
3. Ace Young (the really, really impossibly good-looking dude)
4. Kartharine McPhee (a bit of a sleeper, but has game)
5. Either Elliott Yamin or Chris Daughtry. (This is like Constantine and Bo last year. Two men enter, one man leaves.)