“President Trump has declined to participate in a practice followed by the past seven of his predecessors: He rarely if ever reads the President’s Daily Brief… Reading the traditionally dense intelligence book is not Trump’s preferred “style of learning,” according to a person with knowledge of the situation.”
Washington Post, 2/9/18

- - -

Although to be honest, listening to someone yak, yak, yak isn’t one of his preferred styles either. Instead, the President’s team has developed alternative methods for our very, very large brained Commander In Chief to absorb the massive amount of information relayed to him on a daily basis.

In place of most morning briefings, the President likes to have the salient facts whispered into a bag of chocolate chips, which are then baked into cookies. That way, once the President finishes his breakfast dessert, the information is fully assimilated.

Instead of attending high-level security meetings, the President will often send a jar of coconut oil in his place, letting it absorb the information. Then his personal masseuse (and don’t worry, he has security clearance) rubs the oil into the President’s famously well-toned thighs which are as strong as, if not stronger than, Putin’s thighs.

Another method amenable to the President is to have the relevant information typed up, printed out, then shredded and sent to the White House kitchen. There the chef will blend them into the President’s weekly Taco Bowl, between the Fritos and the second layer of Fritos.

When time is of the essence, our Commander In Chief chooses to have a dossier ground up into a fine powder, which he then mixes with Old Bay Seasoning and snorts. He enjoys this style of learning in the company of Jared and Ivanka.

Unlike previous lazy presidents, 45 is busy learning literally day and night. Most evenings a senior adviser follows the President to his private suite and once it’s determined that the President has entered a REM cycle, the advisor stops humming “I Love a Parade” and shifts into softly reciting the day’s final briefing. A similar practice is used in the morning when the adviser stands behind a cardboard cutout of Kelly LeBrock circa Weird Science and murmurs the early morning briefing to the President with a slight English accent.

The President is also what they call a “reciprocal learner,” meaning sometimes the best way for him to absorb information is to talk over the individual who is relaying it, often mimicking the speaker in a derisive fashion. (This exchange can also be considered a cardio workout, since the President engages in alternate styles of exercise as well.)

POTUS himself has devised a variety of innovative methods by which he retains information. For example, he is the first person, in the history of the entire world, to write information on his hand, which he does on a daily basis to remind himself of the definition of the acronym “POTUS.”

However, all of these styles of learning, while interesting and potentially helpful for the masses, are essentially moot when it comes to our President. He is at his core an intuitive genius, not in need of science, facts, nor the opinion of the majority of Americans when it comes to determining what is best for our country and the global community. I mean, come on, don’t be a moron.