It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a 34-year-old single San Francisco man in possession of IPO money, is definitely “not looking for anything serious” and just wants “to see how it goes.”

- - -

Mr. Founder soon drew the attention of the room by his fine gray Patagonia fleece vest, handsome AirPods semi-permanently fixed in his ears, noble company logo backpack, and the report posted on Recode within five minutes after his entrance of his having made $10 million in his start-up’s acquisition.

The tech bros pronounced him to be a genius, the tech ladies declared he was a more inclusive founder than Uber’s, and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till a viral headline made him even more talked-about; for he was discovered to be a total psychopath; had no idea what was going on in his own company; and Tweeted highly ignorant things all day.

He was the proudest, most privileged man in the world, and everybody hoped that they could be like him someday.

- - -

To be fond of Blue Bottle coffee, hiking, Netflix, and your dog was a first step towards presenting oneself as a great match online.

- - -

“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I #LoveWhereIWork and would rather achieve another million dollars than spend time with you.”

- - -

Tech employees made up a very fine dating pool. They were never all that handsome, were always slammed at work, were in the habit of spending more on Coachella and Burning Man than they ought, and of associating only with employees of other tech companies, and were therefore in every respect entitled to think well of themselves, and completely apathetically of the poor, the homeless, the middle-class, and basically of everyone else, except on Facebook, where they posted thought-provoking news from the New York Times about global injustice all the time.

- - -

“You should know,” he casually mentioned on the fifth date, “that I do not believe in monogamy. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of polyamory, as we as humans did not evolve for marriage. Oh, and I’m seeing someone else. You’re cool with all of that, right?”

- - -

Thursday 12:04 PM
Darcy: You are too generous to trifle with me. If you’d like to go out again, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.

Saturday, 4:15 PM
Darcy: Hey, how’s it going?

Today 10:09 AM
Darcy: Seriously, you’re ghosting on me?