“Sk8er Boi”
Avril Lavigne

Sk8er Boi’s band’s sophomore album did not chart, and they broke up in 2004. In 2016, Sk8er Boi attempted a comeback as an alt-right rapper but failed to generate buzz for his single, “Don’t Sk8 on Me.” He is now trying to push his own cryptocurrency, Sk8erCoin.

“Absolutely (Story of a Girl)”
Nine Days

With the help of a qualified therapist, A Girl realized that her boyfriend was a gaslighter and that she was allowed to feel sad sometimes. For example, crying when her grandpa passed away was not “drowning the whole world.” The last straw was when A Girl gave him a framed photo of the two of them, and he told her he would absolutely prefer the photo if she were smiling, then called her “babe.”

In 2005, she dumped him and moved to Central Oregon, where she works as a whitewater rafting guide. She does not hide her pretty face, isn’t lonely, and enjoys cheekily telling her passengers that the river is not made of her tears.

“Hey There Delilah”
Plain White T’s

Delilah and her beau finally connected in New York City. Their time in NYC was magical but short-lived, as it turned out he was unable to pay their bills with that guitar. The two decided to get married, have a child, and generally have the life they knew they would, despite a recent explosive argument where Delilah’s husband said she was not as bright as Times Square and never had been.

“The Middle”
Jimmy Eat World

For twenty years, the now not-so-little girl has remained on the ride, decreasingly confident that everything will be all right, and increasingly concerned about what people have been telling themselves this whole time she’s been away.

Britney Spears

To better understand why her tears were falling at night, Lucky went on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru in 2003. While under the influence, she realized she no longer wanted to be an actor and instead wanted to pursue cooking. She attended the Culinary Institute of America, and in 2008 opened her first restaurant, Lonely Heart of Palm.

Roger Johnson, a restaurant critic formerly with Pop News, covered the opening ceremony of Lucky’s second restaurant for the New York Times in 2018, writing, “The real star is the crispy Yukon potatoes!”

“It Wasn’t Me”

Immediately after this guy claimed that despite extensive video and material evidence, it wasn’t him who was creeping with the girl next door, his girlfriend laughed in his face and left him.

This experience did not deter him from telling outlandish lies. The fifty-four-year-old was recently fired from Chick-fil-A after dropping a joint in the fryer and saying it wasn’t him, even though the incident was captured on a cell phone by a coworker. “Old Guy Deep Fries Weed, Says It Wasn’t Him” has been viewed over seventy million times on TikTok.

“The Rock Show”

After looking into the costs associated with moving to Vegas, the couple decided that it would probably be in their best interest to finish high school. They parted ways shortly before graduation after a heated altercation stemming from a conversation about whether or not the Madden twins were posers.

Years later, at the last Warped Tour in 2019, they crossed paths again. They were married to other people, but saw each other immediately and ran past the Vans merch table to embrace. She said, “What?” He told her that he didn’t know. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

They then divorced their spouses without a fucking explanation. Currently, they reside just outside Reno.

“Girl All the Bad Guys Want”
Bowling for Soup

Nona Jones-Blalock, formerly known as The Girl All the Bad Guys Want, became a born-again Christian in 2010, trading in her nose ring, reefer, and a forty for a tenty-four-karat gold cross necklace and a sweater set from J. Jill. Nona is currently running on an anti-abortion and anti-immigration platform for state legislature in Arkansas. She hired the most expensive PR firm in the Little Rock area to cover up her past.

The Guy Who Wanted the Girl All the Bad Guys Want still can’t grow a mustache, had his moped repossessed, and is the moderator of an incel group on 4chan.

Flo Rida

Shawty completed the software engineering degree that she had been working on while dancing part-time at the club. She traded her Apple Bottom jeans for a job at Apple in 2015. While she has fond memories of her club years, she is much happier with her current role. Shawty has generous stock options and not one client has compared her to a sexy kitchen appliance. She also works remotely, allowing her to wear baggy sweatpants as much as she likes.

Sadly, Shawty seriously injured her ankle at her cousin’s wedding this June while attempting to prove she could still get low. She is currently undergoing physical therapy and hopes to be able to comfortably wear shoes other than wide-width boots (with the fur) in a few months.

“Mr. Brightside”
The Killers

Mr. Brightside returned to his cage, where he has remained for the past fifteen years after getting caught opening up his eager eyes too far and becoming a convicted sex offender. When asked, he tells people he’s doing just fine.