If there’s one thing the world knows after roughly two weeks of historic mass protests forced Puerto Rico’s governor to resign, it’s that you don’t fuck with us Puerto Ricans. Especially if you’re a politician who callously talks shit about basically everyone: hurricane victims, women in power, political opponents, the LGBT community, the poor, the press, anyone who’s not a mirror of you. And especially if you — like many others before you — get a kick out of turning your office into a cesspool of corruption while others are struggling or not born with a silver spoon in their mouths. We could go on and on, but we don’t want to lose focus.
Unless you’re naturally deluded or treat lies like afterthoughts, you know that, after Hurricane María struck Puerto Rico, Trump became one of the worst things that ever happened to the island for way too many reasons to list here. In fact, if we could build a spaceship in the shape of a roll of paper towel, transform its interior into a tanning bed that never shuts off, and convert tweets into rocket fuel, we would do it in a heartbeat and send him back to the alternate reality from which he came. So just imagine how huge and awesome our peaceful protests against Trump would also be!
Here’s a taste of what we can bring to the Trump butt-kicking table.
We go way beyond placards and chants
If you think rallies are only about carrying signs, chanting, and being entirely surrounded by angry people, then boy are you in for a surprise!
If something can be done by more than one person at a time by land, sea, or air, and it shows something about who we are, and it’s game for a protest. This includes:
- Mass cavalcades, yoga protests, and performance art shows
- Scuba divers rallying underwater near bacalaos and other fish.
- Aerial silk dancers dangling from highway signs
- Huge fleets of motorcycles, bicycles, and ATVs. Jet skis, kayaks, and paddleboards will also be used, especially if Trump or his comrades are within shouting distance from the water or Melania is trying to escape again on his yacht
Our music and dancing are next level
Whether we’re chanting or dancing at New York’s Grand Central Terminal or singing folk songs or turning folk songs into protest chants that somehow incorporate the words Trump, Russia, and Trussia into rhymes, we’ll do so with drums, tambourines, pleneras, cowbells, and so on and so on, parranda style. Think Christmas caroling but fun and ten times louder. You might even find yourself swinging your hips while you sleep.
We’ll also bring trucks with full sound systems — we’re talking massive speakers and subwoofers blasting music together — that’ll somehow make their way through a sea of protesters and park right in front of Trump Tower, Mar-a-Lago, and the hottest Russian club in D.C. These will be used for perreo combativo, aka reggaeton protest parties. Warm-up squats are recommended. Hairdos requiring way too much hair spray are not.
And you’ll look forward to the nightly cacerolazo, a half-hour session of lots of people banging pots and pans on balconies or outside their homes. It’ll be your chance to hit something hollow and loud.
Permits? What permits?
This is, after all, a peaceful revolution.
We’re all over the United States, so this will also go national
We know, we know. Maybe you thought we were Mexican because we were speaking Spanish. But seriously, you can find us in Florida, New York, California, Texas, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Illinois, Ohio, Hawaii, Alaska (maybe), and so on. And if you want Puerto Ricans from the island’s front lines, we can make that happen, too. After all, we can clarify over and over that we’re U.S. citizens.
Expect to see lots of awesome celebrities
Our roster includes many global celebrities like Ricky Martin, Bad Bunny, Residente, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Benicio del Toro. They will either join or convene a rally that most people living on this planet will want to attend. Or at least watch. They’ll even release a protest song.
We deliver results fairly quickly
After roughly two weeks of non-partisan demonstrations with hundreds of thousands of people, trending hashtags like #RickyRenuncia, and countless memes, like “Don’t get mad, Ricky; we all quit our first job,” we forced Rosselló to announce his resignation on Facebook and then confirm it in writing to stop impeachment proceedings. Of course, we realize that Trump is different and that impeachment and non-partisan protests are out of the question, partly because he’s backed by a party who forgot about the 20th century.
But, don’t worry: we know that if there’s one thing that Trump is afraid of, it’s a large group of Hispanics.