Purchase This World Champion’s Locker Room T-Shirt and Associate Yourself With Greatness.
BY MIKE CARRIER
It’s time to celebrate in proper attire. The playoffs have climaxed with a thrilling victory by your team. Let’s be honest, you earned the trophy just as much as the players. Now is your chance to wear the same gear your favorite athletes wore following their monumental win.
This officially licensed shirt will commemorate your couch lounging accomplishments this season. Let it be known that the amount of watching you did was directly related to the team’s performance. Had you not avoided several major life events to tune in, they would not have won so many road games.
The countless times you anxiously hollered at the television while the family cat stared at you in bewilderment were all painful milestones along the path to triumph. That simple animal isn’t capable of understanding what influence you have over the events of time.
People are segregated into two categories: those that have golden trophies screen-printed onto their clothes and those that do not. No longer will you be defined by your personality, your appearance, or your identity. You will strictly be associated with the outcome of a single sporting event. What does that mean? You will strictly be associated with greatness.
Long gone will be the days when people talked behind your back about that regrettable DUI you got a few years back. Instead, they will feel compelled to discuss the new you that appears sans criminal record.
When your snide neighbor sees you mowing the lawn in this fashion statement, his eyes will burn with envy. Mmm, taste the succulent jealousy of your peers. Now is the time for you to be the supreme alpha male of your suburb. This is your last chance at reclaiming the raw power of your teenage years.
This crew neck shirt is a token of appreciation for all those hours you could have spent looking for a job that matched your interests. But hey, nobody likes their career, right? At least the commute isn’t too long and the salary is commensurate with your experience. What a wonderful way to let that foxy intern just entering womanhood know you’re a member of a fraternal brotherhood of winners.
Without question, this piece of clothing will heal all your psychological wounds for approximately one week. Consider it a temporary bandage for that aching loneliness you’ve been running from. When you do eventually visit a therapist, there’s no better short-sleeve shirt to show them what your previous remedy was.
After you drive a number of hours to be at the team’s victory parade, this T-shirt will allow you to humorously accuse the players of copying your outfit. You can chuckle and think they heard you.
Share the bragging rights and buy one for your wife. Whether she wears it while tending the garden or buying stamps, she will become a living mannequin for the best team in the league this year. You’re there for your wife when you have time. If something was really tearing her up inside, she would interrupt your impassioned shouts and aggressive stomps. Those tear-soaked tissues she leaves on the night-stand have to be from some unrequited love story in those romance novels she keeps buying. I swear those things keep soaring in price. This rib-knit collared shirt won’t increase in price on you. It will be $21.95 forever.
What a perfect gift to show your wife how much you care about this team. We suggest wearing the shirts while making love. This would provide you both the opportunity to look like champions as you experience the thrills of human pleasure.
Order now! These ultra-soft products will only be available for a limited time. Once we capitalize on the impulsive purchases from niche markets, we will eventually send the leftovers to Nairobi where they will be used as pillowcases for the severely impoverished. Don’t let all your effort this season be wasted like that. Don’t allow the child workers who knit these clothes to take five minute lunch naps on them. Furthermore, don’t make this comfortable cotton shirt serve as a horrifying symbol for the cycle of inescapable misery that is their lives.
SUGGESTED READSI Am the Man Who Paints His Entire Head and Face to Resemble the Helmet of His Favorite Football Team
by John Warner (2/5/2010)
I Am the Man Who Paints His Face With the American Flag and Goes to Olympic Curling Matches and Bangs A Cowbell
by John Warner (2/20/2010)
Monologue: Son, Don’t Make Any Weird Faces During This Sporting Event or You’ll Probably Become an Internet Meme
by Jory John (9/9/2016)
RECENTLYSeven Women On His Mind: The “Take it Easy” Ladies Tell All
by Sarah Layden (10/24/2016)
Monologue: I’m a Person-Shaped Colony of the Measles Virus, and I Want Your Vote!
by Matt Baca (10/24/2016)
List: Species of Comedic Duos by Group Names
by John Joseph Ryan (10/24/2016)
POPULARWhen My Grandkids Ask Me What I Did to Fight American Fascism, I’ll Proudly Tell Them I Tweeted a Few Times
by Sam Spero (10/19/2016)
Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire
by Melissa Janisin (10/18/2016)
Thanks, Cindy, for Making Eye Contact Through the Bathroom Stall and Making It Super Awkward During the Department Productivity Meeting
by Anna Kemp (10/14/2016)