Are you in an IKEA?
Are you only seeing primary colors and furniture in an overly basic style? Are couples arguing around you? Did you drive two hours to get here and they don’t even have the fucking bed you want? You might be in an IKEA.
What you can do: Unfortunately, IKEA has very few exits. Once you’ve entered IKEA, it is very difficult to leave without having redesigned your guest room and initiated divorce proceedings. The first step is to put down the throw pillows you are holding. You don’t need any more fucking pillows, especially in tweed. Next, abort your attempt at finding an employee to assist you. The employees are all watching you from behind the one-way window in the break room and laughing at how helpless you look. Finally, if you are with your spouse, don’t speak to each other. Save all your energy for your escape. IKEA pipes in subliminal rage-inducing bio-feedback behind their music, which cause innocent comments to take on passive aggressive tendencies and make you want to discuss hypothetical children in public.
Are you jogging?
Are you jarring your body up and down and breathing heavily? Are your lungs and thighs burning? Do you taste blood? Are you wearing spandex? If so, you might be jogging. Jogging is a terrible condition that affects thousands of people every year. Jogging is contagious. If you see someone jogging in your neighborhood, be sure to look away immediately, even if it means taking your eyes off the road while driving.
What you can do: If you or someone you know is found jogging, you should follow these steps to protect yourself and your family.
- Stop jogging. This is easier said than done. Even after the initial decision to stop jogging is made, the body will continue to move in an up and down fashion involuntarily for some time. If thirty minutes go by and the jogging is still occurring, it may be necessary to punch the jogger in the stomach. If this fails, you will have to knock the jogger unconscious.
- Remove spandex. If the spandex seems to be wedged into place, removal may require a professional. In some cases, scissors may be used, but only with extreme caution. Red marks left by spandex will fade with time, but may never disappear completely.
- Drink alcohol. Alcohol is an excellent jogging deterrent. If no alcohol is available, soda may suffice. Do not provide Red Bull or Gatorade. This will only encourage the jogger.
Are you drinking decaf?
Is your coffee drink giving you a warm cozy feeling instead of jolting your brain awake while simultaneously giving you the urge to defecate?If so, you might be drinking decaf.
What you can do: Take note of your surroundings. Are you in a coffee shop? If so, simply return to the counter and pour your coffee out slowly on the countertop, all while making eye contact with the barista. Then spit in the coffee cup and throw it behind the counter. This is how the barista will know that they accidentally gave you decaf.
Are you looking at a motivational poster?
Do you see a picture of a cavernous forest or a pile of anonymous hands stacked on top of one another in synchronicity? Is there a word printed along the bottom like TEAMWORK or SUCCESS? If so, you may be looking at a motivational poster. These are commonly found in office settings with low morale as a last ditch attempt to make the people working there work harder and not feel like they’re wasting their lives. But you can see through all that, can’t you? Good for you.
What you can do: You should probably quit your job immediately without any notice or leads, and be sure to make a big scene and get escorted out by security.
Are you driving through Florida?
Why? Why would you do that to yourself?
What you can do: If you are driving through Florida, make sure your car is pointed North and keep driving. Do not stop your car or attempt to get out until you are no longer in Florida.
Are you camping?
Are you sleeping outside, leaving yourself vulnerable to god-knows-what in the middle of the fucking woods? Do you keep reaching for the remote control only to wind up with with a handful of twigs and dirt? Did you go to the bathroom outside recently? If so, you might be camping. This can be very troubling, but is not irrevocable.
What you can do: The best way to escape from a camping trip is to fall from a great height. Luckily, lots of camping sites are near cliffs or steep mountainsides, which can make such a fall accessible. If falling from a height does not seem possible, you could allow yourself to be mauled by a possibly rabid animal, necessitating an urgent trip to a hospital, i.e., CIVILIZATION. You can make yourself attractive to wild animals by rubbing raw meat on your naked body, appearing wounded while laying in a clearing, and menstruating.
Are you within earshot of teenagers having a conversation?
Are you overhearing a conversation between teenagers? Are you having trouble understanding the vernacular and pop culture references? Are expressions like “YOLO” and “BAE” making you feel hopeless about the future of society and the planet? If so, you may be listening to teenagers, and you are not alone. Lots of people experience trauma from observing teenagers every day.
What you can do: Do not confront the teenagers. They will make fun of you. You’ve resigned to the aging process and your body is hairy and sagging in places that they will find amusing. Remember: Teenagers have no moral center, so they will not think twice about belittling your life path and stealing your car.
Is your Wi-Fi down?
Are you attempting to check your email, only to be told that your browser cannot connect to the internet? Are no new stories appearing on your Facebook feed? If so, you may have a weak or nonexistent internet connection. This means you are completely cut off from society and will likely die alone. There is no hope for you.
What you can do: You should find out the hours of the café with Wi-Fi down the street. Oh, but wait, you can’t because you have no internet. You are truly helpless. So just give up already.