You arrive at brunch with Janet ready to reveal that you’ve been selected by a national fragrance brand as a key social-media influencer. It’s the trendiest brunch place in town, and you’re about to own the damn internet as you spearhead this influencer campaign. Janet’s role, as your friend, is to listen to this announcement. You order huevos rancheros and sangria, and get ready to drop the big news. Nothing will get in your way… or will it?
1. Janet says: “Hey, just so you know… my father passed away last night.” How do you respond?
A. “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry.”
B. “Jesus, what happened? He seemed so healthy.”
C." I know just how you feel. My not being a social-media influencer for a major fragrance brand also passed away."
D. “I know. I was making love to him at the time.”
2. Janet tells you: “The funeral is Saturday morning at 9, and we’d all love for you to be there.”What do you say next?
A. “Of course. Whatever you need.”
B. [Weeping]. “I’m sorry, I just… I can’t get over this. I’m in such shock.” [More weeping]
C. “Can I Instagram pictures of myself spraying a major brand’s fragrance during the funeral, cheering everyone up? If so, I’m down.”
D. “Yeah, I have to attend. Your dad’s last words were: ‘I enjoyed the sex we just did, and I want you to describe it in detail in a eulogy at my funeral.’ Then he passed away.”
3. Janet says: “I’m so upset I can’t even eat these huevos rancheros, even though this is widely regarded as the best brunch place in the city.” How do you respond?
A. “I’m so sorry, Janet. I know nothing I say will make your pain go away, but let me know what I can do.”
B. “Me, too. In fact, I think I’m even more upset and even more unable to eat my huevos rancheros. This is terrible for both of us, most of all for me.”
C. “Perfect. I’ll use your plate for my Instagram posts. This is such a major brand, and they’re going to love it. Wait. What were you upset about?”
D. “My sex with your dad, which killed him, was widely regarded as the best sex with your dad in the city, or anywhere. But I hope he rests in peace after the fatal sex we had.”
4. Janet says: “My father was my rock. How can I go on without him? Whatever was wrong, I could always call him. But now who will I call? This must sound ridiculous coming from a woman in her early 40s.” How do you respond?
A. “Of course that’s not ridiculous, Jan. Allow yourself to feel upset. And know that even though no one will ever replace your father, so many of us love you and will do anything we can to help you through this.”
B. “I know exactly what you mean. Your father was the type of person I would have wanted to tell about this campaign, and now, like, okay, I can tell you, but it’s not the same. He was like a father to me.”
C. “Can you repeat that, honey? It was perfect. It’s going to make an awesome caption for this post. Ugh, don’t make me explain. Just trust me. I’m the influencer here, not you. You’re just some sad mourning lady.”
D. “Too bad you didn’t call your father during our lovemaking. That might have interrupted us long enough so I wouldn’t sex him to death, which I did. Tough break.”
5. Janet says: “I don’t feel like you’re even listening to me. My father is dead. Who cares about your stupid campaign? What kind of a person are you?” How do you respond?
A. “You’re so right. How can I make it up to you?”
C. “Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” [Flip table].
D. [Nod. Then, by hand, write and illustrate a 350-page graphic novel of your physically intimate — and ultimately fatal — relationship with Janet’s father. Hand it to her. Give her a meaningful look in the eyes. Exhale deeply]. “Me.”
You did it! Your answers didn’t even matter. This was always about you — not that listening lady and her dead whoever.