Says there’s a paper jam

Says the paper load tray is empty

Says the printer cannot connect to computer

Says the printer requires a blood sacrifice to appease the demon lord

Says the printer cannot detect Wi-Fi connection

Says the printer needs to be reset

Says I have a stilted relationship with my father

Says firewall settings may be too high

Says I should stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend because if I were really over it I wouldn’t be using a fake Instagram to look at his new girlfriend’s private account it’s been like four years, Ali

Says the printer heads need to be cleaned

Says it requires another blood sacrifice to appease a second demon lord. Like, second as in another, not second in command

Says the printer is out of ink

Like he’s not saying the second demon lord is his ‘assistant’ or anything. They’re equally powerful, they just manage different arenas

Says the printer needs to be restored to factory settings

Actually the second demon lord requests that he be referred to as “co-producer,” if that’s okay with everyone

Says software may not be compatible with PC

Co-producer requires organic, non-GMO blood sacrifice, not from concentrate (he just moved to LA)

Printer is currently in pieces