I’ve called this meeting to ask you a question: Where do you think you work? The New York Times? The Wall Street Journal? The freakin’ NEW YORKER!
Because I’m reading your articles and I’m watching the videos you people are making and I think some of you are lost. You work at Fuzzer.com. You make clickbait for 16-year-olds on the Internet. Start acting like it!
Dave, I just read your think piece on race in America. Nice nuance, idiot! And I’m not saying that ironically. It is well thought out! You think a girl on her lunch break at Ikea wants to read something that long while she’s checking her iPhone? NO! Sell it to the New Yorker and make me a list of 90s toys you miss as a 20-something!
Miranda! Loved that video about catcalling on the streets of New York! The only thing it was missing is that it wasn’t a completely different video about white people trying Korean food for the first time. Spoiler alert! They don’t like the Kim Chi. You think little Nicky Teenager wants to feel guilty about his gender while he’s clicking random crap on his Facebook? I didn’t either.
John, if I see one more line graph about growing economic disparity I will empty the contents of your French press directly onto your Macbook Pro.
You think you idiots can go one day without writing an exhaustive study on gun violence in America?
I want pictures of cats falling asleep!
I want articles about why Taylor Swift is your spirit animal!
I want a video of a hamster eating a tiny birthday cake!
From now on, if I can’t read your article in 30 seconds I will add up the extra time it takes me and subtract it from your pay! If I see a video over 90 seconds you will spend the surplus of that time in my office with me screaming into your face. You wanna be Terrence Malick? There’s the door! It’s the one with the picture of a sad kitten on it.
We are up against Netflix and porn, people! The bar is low. Go get limbo-ing!