Okay, Helen Thomas’ thief rolled a 17 on her Search roll so your adventuring party enters into the catacombs, the empty eye sockets of the skulls leer from the walls. Are we clear on this? The emptiness leers. It’s a solid absence.
There’s a hiss and a glug of a drain unclogging. Green bile boils up from invisible vents in the floor, catching everyone unaware. I’m sorry, but how do you know the vents are invisible? Because you can’t see them. Are they magically invisible? Perhaps. Then how come MSNBC’s detect magic spell didn’t detect any magic? Um, because they’re not magic? How about that? Do you have a more pertinent question?
You’re monitoring a very fluid situation. With the acidic, mystical bile.
No, I’m sorry, Chip Reid, the androsphinx bladder boots you’re wearing do not neutralize the bile’s magic. That really only works, uh, on thaumaturgic hexes. This is a necromantic rite. Uh, I’m sorry, disregard that.
So remember: you can’t remember that the bile is necromantic in nature. Forget that, I’m sorry. That’s meta-gaming.
Chip, I know that the Monster Manual says the androspinx bladders protects against all ritualistic magic, but the manual means to preclude necromancy from that list. Necromancy’s its own school of magic, after all. Let’s not be unreasonable.
Remember, everyone, your characters’ can’t remember that I said the bile is magical, nor specifically necromantic. Nor a rite.
Okay, so, everyone who is wearing less than full plate takes 12 points of damage. If you’re wearing full plate, roll a d20 with a result of 5 or less indicating the bile has corroded your armor to a point of extreme fecklessness. How come you don’t get a saving throw? That’s the nature of the magic bile.
Jake Tapper, sorry, but your barbarian’s Wasteland Perseverance feat doesn’t get you a reroll on your saving throw against the bile. No that particular feat doesn’t—if you read the Player’s Handbook, actually—that particular feat doesn’t protect against magical hardships. Just alchemical threats.
I’m sorry? I’ve been as clear as I can: the magic bile is not magic.
No. No one in the press room gets rerolls. No one. I haven’t invoked Dungeon Master’s fiat so no one gets to reroll. No. You all do take that damage. Yes, you do, Major Garrett, yes you do. You’re not going to? Fine. No, fine.
All right, everyone? Roll under your character’s base Constitution. Do it now. Everyone adds eight because of the corrosive, magic bile. No, Major, you don’t have time to cast Reanimate Bones on the leering skulls with the empty eye sockets. Maybe if Helen Thomas had a better Search roll for an 11th level Halfling thief.
Did everyone roll under their Constitution? No one did? Good, then. Everyone’s body is woven out of living pain as the bile detumesces everyone’s skeleton. Except for your skulls.
Context clues, guys. That’s why the catacomb’s walls had skulls on them. Yes, your characters are dead. Next question? Yes, that is how you use the word “detumesce” in a sentence. Yes, it is. Yes it is. It means, uh, to deflate. Yes. All right. You don’t know the rules to this thing. You couldn’t tell a gnoll from a gnome. You need to find a new DM. And I bet whoever you find will use Attacks of Opportunity. That’s when a party of orcs can slaughter high-level characters, but whatever.