Tuesday Dec. 23rd,
Washington Elementary
School Cafeteria,
Table 6

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I can’t help but notice that most of you are talking about what gifts you’ll get from Santa. Joey, you wonder what he’ll bring you. Emma, you’re leaving him cookies. Sam, you think he might bring you an Xbox. My friends, you deserve to hear the truth. Our parents and teachers are collectively suppressing, ignoring and/or marginalizing evidence about Santa, and I have reason to believe the entire North Pole narrative is a cover-up, perpetuated by the mainstream media and every mall across America. Consider the following:

1. How, logistically, does Santa go to every home in the world? Let’s think about this. One guy, 7.2 billion people? The math just doesn’t add up. There has to be a second man with a sleigh, or even a third for this to be remotely possible for one town, let alone the world.

2. We have yet to see an actual, live photo of Santa in the sky. Of the photos that are available to us, I think “Sleigh Photo #35” from a simple Google Image Search is probably photoshopped. There are no shadows on Rudolph’s antlers, for one. Moonlight is reflective, people.

3. Additionally, the trajectory in the sky is all wrong. Santa is often depicted as steering away from the ground and flying at a steep Northeastern angle. Let’s say a sleigh holds about 1,000 pounds of toys. A fully-grown male reindeer could be up to 700 pounds. With that kind of weight, a sleigh would need to gradually elevate, like a modern airplane, with long runway support. Most roofs are about 40 × 60 feet and could never support that kind of takeoff time.

4. How do you get hundreds and thousands of kids to be good for one month? It’s nearly impossible. Unless you put Christmas cheer in the water supply. Think about it.

5. According to the source document my parents have cited, Santa’s “clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.” However, several verses later in the document, the same author describes “the beard of his chin” as “white as the snow.” There’s a disconnect there.

6. I’m still pretty fuzzy on the connection between Jesus and Santa. Could they be the same person? Santa’s alias is Kris Kringle, which has 11 letters. The exact same number as J-E-S-U-S-C-H-R-I-S-T. Why won’t anyone release Santa’s birth certificate? Also consider: The three wise men, Melchior, Jaspar, and Balthazar, have distinctly elf-like names.

7. There’s no actual postal code for The North Pole. Additionally, the letters I have received from Santa have distinctly feminine characteristics when subjected to handwriting analysis. Yes, it could be Mrs. Claus, covering for her husband. But why not just sign it, Mrs. Claus? What’s the story there?

8. Do you know how many lumps of coal it would take to distribute to every naughty child across the country? If it’s even half the amount of the Nice list, that’s a hefty profit for Big Coal. Which leads me to my next point: I think the coal companies WANT us to be naughty. It would certainly explain some of my actions as of late.

I could go on and on, but I see I’ve upset some of you. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but let’s not forget the precedent that has been set: The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, hidden coins behind our ears. We cannot trust these people; they will do anything to get us to believe their lies.