To all Devil’s Advocates:
I, Satan, regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, I am terminating all contracts with the freelance Devil’s Advocates division, effective immediately, on the grounds that you assholes are unworthy of association with me and my brand.
I have not addressed this issue previously, because I have been otherwise occupied with enacting true evil on this world. Twitter has certainly been a boon to my work, but racism, sexism, and late-stage capitalism still require constant attention. I’m on this grind twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. (You hear that, God? Some of us don’t take Sundays off, because some of us have a work ethic. Lazy hippie beardo.)
Also, to be fair, I let it slide for a while because you guys were, surprisingly, pretty useful. Picking a fight with your Tinder date about how you think women are being a little “dramatic” about workplace sexual harassment is always good, sure. I’m all about accusing women of being hysterical morons. But then, when she gets angry with you for being such an asshole, you gaslight her by saying you’re just arguing with her as a purely intellectual exercise? Delightful! And the best part is, you truly believe that this is a legitimate way to hold an intellectual discussion! I thought the “no offense, but” team was impressive, but you asshats are something else. Deeply lame, obviously, but weirdly effective in furthering my work.
But see, the thing is, you’ve outlived your usefulness. Not to be too self-congratulatory about it or anything, but I am amazing at what I do. I mean, look who is the President of the United States, for shit’s sake! Clearly, I don’t need your help. At any given moment, I can deploy a vast army of tiki torch-bearing, “men’s rights”-loving, MAGA hat-wearing deplorables faster than you can say “Black lives matter”! What could I possibly want with you morons?
And therein lies my problem with you Devil’s Advocates. I’m very obviously my own best advocate, and my inevitable reign over Earth has never felt so close. So the insinuation that you idiots are on MY level… well, let’s be real, it’s character assassination.
Who am I kidding? I’m overjoyed that I can finally unload you guys! You’re all so depressingly self-serious that it genuinely bums me out. You insist on treating this bullshit “rhetorical” debate style like you’re some kind of modern goddamn Socrates, and I frankly just don’t have time for it. Honestly, the minute I vanquish God and plunge the world into darkness and despair, you douchebags are the first ones I’m throwing in the lake of fire.
In summary: I AM THE LITERAL DEVIL AND I DON’T NEED A BUNCH OF PRETENTIOUS JACKASSES WATERING DOWN MY BRAND WITH THEIR HALF-BAKED RHETORICAL FUCKERY. GET YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE BEFORE I CALL SECURITY.
Thank you for your service,