Hello, Peter Ludlow here, coming to you from the Isla Nublar Medical Center here at Jurassic Park. As you might’ve heard, on Friday I was mauled by velociraptors while hiking the Raptor Ridge trail along with several other InGen executives. The fact that even our C-suite has been victimized by these sneaky dinosaurs just goes to show how totally unavoidable these attacks are, and why any preventative measures are ultimately futile. And while some have pointed out that no one in our hiking party was masking their scent, and that our CTO had a full beef Wellington tucked away in his backpack, I maintain that enjoying a nice hike while supporting park businesses like the Cretaceous Cafe is well worth the added risk that a sumptuous but also velociraptor-enticing meal poses.
As for the thousands of you who took to social media over the weekend to express your unbridled joy at my misfortune, I simply say: shame on you. Yes, under my leadership, hundreds of park visitors have been viciously mauled by velociraptors, their bony carcasses stripped of flesh, and thrown into a giant pile like crabs at a seafood boil. But that is still not an excuse to poke fun at a man whose actions have literally come back to bite him. That’s why we are actively blocking any users who post negative comments about my predicament on Jurassic Park social media pages. And to those that say it’s hypocritical to ban these people when we were actively retweeting death threats aimed at Dr. Ian Malcolm less than a week ago, I think I speak for most people when I say that anyone who says things like, “Yeah, but if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists” is clearly asking to be cyberbullied.
On a brighter note, it was so heartwarming to see that group of park patrons gathered outside the Isla Nublar Medical Center to wish me a speedy recovery. In fact, I was so moved by their show of support that I, along with a few park rangers, took them on a hike on Sunday through some of my favorite trails here at the preserve. Some critics are claiming that leaving the hospital to go on a hike when I still had bloody bandages on — which could have potentially attracted velociraptors — was yet another reckless show of disregard for the lives of my park rangers and park patrons. But anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to stay locked up all day hiding from things that are “risky,” whether it’s going on a dangerous hike, or embarking on a multi-billion dollar bioethics boondoggle that the Washington Post once called “an affront to God.”
But speaking of bandages, I want to give a huge shout out to the amazing Jurassic Park EMTs who bravely came to our rescue in our hour of need, triaging our wounds with a slew of cutting-edge splints and surgical sutures that aren’t available to the general public yet. That said, while we still can’t accommodate the salary increase you requested due to our tight budget this year (those pterodactyl-shaped gondola cars were all custom-built and they were not cheap), we are pleased to announce that we will be holding an ice cream social for all of our park EMTs this Thursday at 7 AM.
Lastly, to all of our wonderful InGen shareholders, a heartfelt thank you for continuing to invest in our bold vision for the future of dinosaur-themed entertainment. You may have heard that the board of directors is reportedly considering replacing me next month, and I am calling on you to reach out to them and remind them of all of the great work I’ve done and why I should stay on as CEO. Sure, we may have more velociraptor-related deaths than any park on Earth, along with staggeringly low park attendance and horrendous staff morale. And, to some, the fact that I was mauled myself might make me look like a senseless moron with a callous disregard for science. However, as bad as things seem now, I can assure you that a new CEO would only make them much worse. So a vote for me is a vote for keeping things as bad as they are now, but probably not any worse. That’s a vision I think we can all agree on.
And remember, life finds a way, unless the board of directors replaces me in November. Then you’re probably screwed.