1. Google what a county election office is.
2. Request a ballot from your county election office.
3. Ask your mailman when he thinks the ballot will come.
4. Gesture for him to take out his Airpods.
5. Ask your mailman when he thinks the ballot will come.
6. Call the county election office again to request a second, third, and fifth ballot, just to be on the safe side.
7. Realize you forgot to request a fourth ballot. Request that, too.
8. Check to see if anyone else on your block has gotten a ballot.
9. If the ballot still hasn’t come six hours later, check every address you’ve ever lived at, just in case it was sent elsewhere.
10. Go to your childhood home in Concord, Massachusetts to see if the ballot was sent there.
11. Have dinner with the family who now lives in your old home. Realize they think voting is too complicated this time around, and they’re not planning on doing it.
12. Take it upon yourself to explain the very simple process to them.
13. Pretend to not be upset when you find out they turned your childhood bedroom into an office, even though you’re hurt.
14. Notice a MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN poster on the wall where you gave your first handjob.
15. Convince them that voting’s too complicated, and they should skip it.
16. Return home from your trip and check the mail.
17. When your ballot finally comes, kiss it a few times. No tongue, though — we’re in a pandemic.
18. Vote for the candidate you like most. This is an oft-forgotten step.
19. Double-check that the envelope is sealed. Buy a professional envelope-sealer, just to be on the safe side. Back it up with Elmer’s glue, duct-tape, and a few bobby pins.
20. Nap time.
21. Wake up drenched in sweat after having a terrible dream where you forgot to mail your ballot. Also, your calculus teacher was there for some reason?
22. Walk to the mailbox, mutter a prayer, and say your goodbyes.
23. Try to climb in after it, just to make sure it has a smooth trip down.
24. Wonder if this is considered tampering with the mail. Eh, it happens.
25. Tweet out who you’re voting for, and pin it to your profile, in case anyone needs to double-check.
26. When the mailman comes, jump out and say “surprise!”
27. Help your startled, underpaid, dehydrated mailman you just startled back up.
28. As he pulls the mail out, confirm your ballot is in there.
29. Offer the mailman a latte — this is just a common courtesy.
30. Protest, protest, protest. This won’t help your ballot specifically, but we must carry on.
31. Start chatting the mailman up. Maybe this will make him more likely to double-and-triple check your ballot at each step of the process. It’s how your mom always gets such good deals at Target, after all.
32. Ask him if he’s friends with that other mailman who sometimes comes around (you can’t remember their name).
33. Don’t forget to wear a mask. ALWAYS!
34. Follow the mailman home.
35. Buy yourself an ice cream cone along the way, you deserve it, given your deep commitment to democracy.
36. Invite yourself in for dinner. He seems to like you.
37. Remember that this is not CDC-advised. Keep your mask on inside.
38. Grab your ballot from the bag outside. You don’t want it to get lost in there. Instead, put it under his pillow while he sleeps. The closer a ballot lives to a mailman, the better.
39. Unfortunately, the sex was bad.
40. Leave his apartment the next morning in a hurry. You know the two of you don’t have a future together, and you don’t want to lead him on. Ugh, it’s always so awkward the morning after, especially if you know there’s no chemistry. Definitely don’t stay for breakfast, even though he’s definitely going to offer to make you an omelet, because he seems pretty obsessed with you.
41. Wow, okay, he didn’t even offer you breakfast because he had to “leave” at “7 a.m.” to do his “job.” Who does that??
42. Remember that you forgot to tell him to remove your ballot from under his pillow. Oops.
43. Say “screw it.”
44. Remind yourself electoral politics is just one way to create change and that direct action, civil disobedience, strikes, organizing, and holding elected officials accountable don’t just happen once every four years.
45.Turn off the news and nap for four years, just in case the outcome is bad.
46. Buy yourself another ice cream cone.