“Young Prince Hamlet is sound of mind and body! We would describe his case of melancholy as ‘very mild.’ Reports of him running around on the battlements in the dead of night and shouting at an invisible man are scurrilous.”
“We appreciate your concern about Prince Hamlet’s well-being. Though he is unable to give a statement at this time, we’re delighted to announce that, just hours ago, we presented with him with a hawk and a handsaw, and he distinguished between them immediately.”
“Please send your thoughts and prayers for the Lady Ophelia. After coming into close contact with Prince Hamlet, she decided to self-cloister out of an abundance of caution. We understand that she is in good spirits!”
“Polonius is doing very well. He incurred a mild injury in the course of his royal service, but, in spite of his weak hams, he is expected to recover quickly. In fact, he is currently at supper.”
“Rosencrantz and Guildenstern send their best wishes for the ongoing excellent health of Prince Hamlet. They are currently enjoying their sojourn in England, and, as proof, they asked us to share this undated portrait of them standing in an empty room.”
“We thank you for inquiring after the welfare of the Lady Ophelia. Three days ago, we did have a bit of a scare when she went to gather flowers by the brook and was dunked therein by the breaking of an envious willow-branch. Her clothes spread wide and, for a time, they bore her up, then down a little — ‘twas a critical period — then up again, then down, then up, then she was picking daisies in a distant field three hours earlier. We trust that this has cleared up any confusion.”
“We thank all who attended the Lady Ophelia’s procession this afternoon: though she is still weary from her ordeal and resting, she was delighted to see you all in the flesh. We must put to rest, however, the rumors that both Prince Hamlet and Laertes are in the grave: they were just wrestling! (Let your hearts be thus assured that they are filled with vigor.) Though Yorick was attended to at the scene, the royal doctors have confirmed that his oxygenation levels were normal for him, and his condition remains unchanged.”
“We extend the warmest of welcomes to our Norwegian kinsmen. Alas, the royal family remains self-cloistered and cannot receive you at this time. Yon, Horatio will be taking questions, though he requests that his comments remain off the record. The rest is silence.”