“Sen. Rand Paul aggressively questioned the guidance of federal health experts at a Senate committee hearing Tuesday, including Dr. Anthony Fauci, arguing that Americans’ just need more optimism,’ despite the fact there are currently more than 2.6 million confirmed cases of COVID-19 in the U.S., resulting in more than 125,000 deaths… ‘We shouldn’t presume that a group of experts somehow knows what’s best for everyone,’ said Paul.” — Forbes, 6/30/20

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Hello, Peter Ludlow here again with an update from the recently reopened Jurassic Park. First, let me just say that we are completely blown away by how willing and eager people have been to revisit Jurassic Park. The Cretaceous Cafe is packed with tourists, and our 300 miles of trails are full of hikers eager to experience the magic our wonderful dinosaur amusement park has to offer. Believe me when I say that your loyalty and continued patronage mean the world to us.

Now, I know there have been reports that Jurassic Park is now in the midst of a second wave of velociraptor attacks even deadlier than the first wave. And that the second wave is mostly due to the fact that, during the closure of the park, we spent all of our resources on building new amenities and not on improving park safety. However, I can assure you that the increase in attacks is simply due to our vigilant park rangers who patrol the hiking trails each morning and count the number of human bones they find on the sides of each trail. With more rangers patrolling the grounds these days, of course we are going to find more human remains, which is why I’ve repeatedly said that the morning patrols are a double-edged sword. And to those who say that those types of statements make it sound like I view the velociraptor attacks as more of a PR crisis than a public safety crisis, let me make one thing clear: I absolutely view this as a PR crisis.

Don’t get me wrong; I was just as devastated as anyone else when I heard the news that a group of children whose parents had let them hike the Raptor Ridge trail unattended were subsequently mauled by velociraptors, their desiccated remains strewn about the path like a Jackson Pollock painting made of human flesh. But keep in mind that for every child that’s torn apart by velociraptors there are at least 5 or 6 that manage to thwart the attacks by hiding in industrial kitchens and throwing pots and pans at just the right moment to distract the velociraptors and narrowly escape. And with those kinds of odds, do we really need to impinge on the freedom of parents to do what they feel is best for their children?

As for the experts like Dr. Ian Malcolm, who claim that we could drastically reduce the number of velociraptor attacks simply by requiring hikers to mask their scents and closing the crowded trails where the velociraptors have been known to attack? I think it’s important that we not only take their advice for granted, but also consider the opinions of people who haven’t dedicated their entire lives to studying ways to prevent these types of attacks. I, for one, don’t mask my scent when I go for hikes in the park because I was raised to believe that men should always smell like whiskey, sweat, and Paco Rabanne. And I don’t see why my views should be any less valid than those of a guy who says things like “not masking your scent is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas.” What a Debbie downer!

Instead of “facts” and “data” what our park visitors really need is a healthy dose of optimism. That’s why, rather than heeding the pleas of the scientists, we are instead embarking on a marketing campaign to make the velociraptors seem more fun and down to earth. So if someone you know is attacked while visiting Jurassic Park, just remember that Sergeant Pepper, Princess Boopersnoot, and Molly Ringwald are growing boys and girls who need their snacks, and it’s not their fault your Uncle couldn’t run that fast because of his bad hip. Also, don’t forget that velociraptor plush toys are now buy 1, get 2 free at the Jurassic Park gift shop, so you can take home all three of our beloved Jurassic Park raptor friends when you visit! Please note that the plush toys have been relocated from their original location at the back of the store since the plaque we erected to the velociraptor attack victims has now been expanded to cover the entire back wall.

That said, there has never been a better time to come visit us at Jurassic Park. Be sure to bring along your friends and family! And as always, remember, life finds a way… unless you’re the slowest member of your hiking group. Then you’re probably screwed.

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See also:
Sure, the Velociraptors Are Still On the Loose,
But That’s No Reason Not to Reopen Jurassic Park