We Scandinavians are the happiest people in the world. We take up all the top spots in rankings of happy nation states. We drink liberally, but are never alcoholics. We have free sex, but are free from sexism. We weigh appropriate amounts of kilos, and our politicians are sensible.

We Scandinavians always think about the environment. We cannot help it. We have windmills on all shores and only eat bacon when we must. The windmills are taller than the Statue of Liberty. The bacon is high-quality and suffering-free.

We Scandinavians ride bicycles. Uncontrollably. We only move and transport our bodies in sustainable, anti-sexist, pro-Mother Earth ways.

Our movements are sustainable.

Every object in a Scandinavian home is minimalistic and made from rustic materials. Our laptops and cell phones and cigarettes (were any of us smokers) and steel casserole sets and food product packaging and our children’s retainers are made of oak. Our chairs and tables are dark grey cubes of bio-silver. They are edible.

We Scandinavians do not feel hate. We feel mild disagreement, at the most. None of us have ever seen a weapon or a fist.

We Scandinavians have snowfall in all seasons. Snow is also the color of our skin. This makes us invisible when we go outside. That is why we only wear black.

Our whiteness is sustainable.

There are no racists or homophobes among us. And if there are, they are not.

Our racism and homophobia are sustainable.

We Scandinavians have large and empty prisons. The inmates (were any of us criminals) have an amazing view from their cells: Mountains, lakes, sculptures of ice, rainbows (which are called snowbows here). When they come out (were they ever in there) they will have an M.Sc. and new friends for life.

Also, our raspberries are the best. They taste the way they look: Like tiny beating hearts, glowing and healthy and rustic. They are great with spelt and sea buckthorn, and for fighting cancer, and with children. Find them in any Scandinavian garden, under the cover of snow and joy.

Our raspberries are free and sustainable.

We Scandinavians keep things simple and elegant. That is why we only have five professions: Student, avant-garde chef, freelance architect/writer, designer, and digital designer. That is why we construct award-winning thermoses. That is why our children play with Legos creatively and uncontrollably.

Our Legos are made of beech wood, and sustainable.

We Scandinavians have universal healthcare, even though obligatory and thoroughly enjoyable mountain biking, crossfitting, and yoga (which is called snowga here) makes it close to redundant. Our private hospitals are just for show. They’re holograms, made by the very best of our digital designers.

There are no poor Scandinavians. And if there are, they are rich.

We Scandinavians pick up (y)our trash, arrive to work early, pay and repay our bills, love our neighbors almost shamelessly, and even, sometimes, laugh.

Our laughter and happiness are sustainable.