Acme Organic Synthetics
London. Paris. Rome. Schenectady.
Seeking Technical Mechanics Project Facilitator for flow-management optimalization, back-end concordance manifestations, and other things too. Well-qualified candidates will have extensive training in overstory branding, side-weighted intercurrence, Sitka manipulations, and OPiMeBr1 operations, with tertiary expertise in service-chain negotiated floccinaucinihilipilification.
Day-to-day deliverables vary by the day, typically with little or no notice, but may involve some or none of the following:
- Using bullet points for everything, even points that really don’t call for bullets
- Referring to tasks as “action items” — and then waiting for someone else to do them
- Documenting internal-external report packages and quality-assurance metric stabilizers, while maintaining overestimation of infotendency procedural systematics and obfuscatory business school verbiage coined to overcomplicate common sense ideations
- Sending reply-all emails that essentially just restate the point made by the sender but with some added punctuation — typically a question mark or two — suggesting the (re-)sender is perhaps contesting the original point or perhaps just misusing question marks in the manner of approximately everyone else in the office
- Asking stilted questions during staff meetings, such as, Will it scale? and Any pushback on the flipside?
- Regularly creating Excel spreadsheets that micro-distinguish macro-level enterprise data to the point that Microsoft threatens to repossess the corporate license.
Office culture is at once fun and soul-sucking. Fridays are casual, Wednesdays are formal, Mondays are strung-out. Workplace romances are discouraged, especially since You Know Who got accused of You Know What again, although Happy Hour gatherings on an empty stomach are still, somehow, the norm. But only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Don’t forget: Wednesdays are formal. Also, under no circumstances should you ever take one of Fred’s diet sodas from the fridge. Also also, Phyllis in Accounting is sensitive to all fragrances and even most non-fragrances. So, no perfumes. Or deodorants. Or asparagus for lunch.
Applicants should have a degree in something from somewhere. A Ph.D. in an obscure discipline is strongly preferred, but a G.E.D. is acceptable. All inter- and intra-office presentations call for slides containing no more than three words, ergo proficiency in PowerPoint is a must. (And one of those words should always be ergo.) Invasive physical examination conducted by Office of Sociology & LifeShaping may be required in certain really funny circumstances, as well as a thorough mental health evaluation probably involving online personality quizzes repurposed by the consulting firm stocked with millennials who have been hired to vet candidates twice their age. The pre-interview training module will evaluate decision-making skills under situations of moderate to impossible stress as test-takers are asked to sketch complex flowcharts depicting various ways of blaming others for their own mistakes. (Crayons not provided.)
Candidates advancing to the interview stage will be asked:
1. In terms of office-speak, when, how, and why did “solution” turn into “workaround”?
2. If someone is referring to a fundamental “strength”, why would they call it a core “competency”?
3. When a guy who hasn’t listened to a single word during the entire meeting proposes “drilling down on that” while “circling back” and “reaching out” to entirely unrelated divisions within companies that no longer even exist, will he be able to run his idea up the flagpole, or will he struggle to pressure-test the train once it’s left the station?
Send completed applications, including preschool–postsecondary transcripts and fourteen letters of recommendation, to: Office of Human Resourcefulness, P.O. Box 867-5309, Schenectady, NY 12121; or, as an attached attachment, to: email@example.com. Note that certain internet providers will not connect to corporate submission portal, because it is connected to a third-party hosting site tied to a server on an island friendly to the inversion scheme devised by in-house tax counselors but generally unfriendly to everything else. Priority will be given to applications received by tomorrow, yesterday preferred.
1 Bonus points for having any idea what this means.