James Hill (1982– ) is a Staples employee planning to continue living at home only until he can “get things back on track.” Last Friday night, Hill got totally wasted with a few friends and ate, like, three or four burritos. Though his recollection of the night’s events is inconsistent, friends of Hill have confirmed that he vomited all over himself in a restaurant booth and spent at least half an hour completely dedicated to giving high-fives to strangers. At one point during the night, Hill commented, “I am so drunk right now. You know I get hungry when I’m drunk, bro. Dude, I need Mexican food, like, now.”

Jeff Lewis (1981– ) once watched 12 consecutive episodes of Flavor of Love. When the television show came up in conversation several days later, Lewis reportedly said he had “seen it once or twice, but I can’t really get into that stuff.” With his friends still under the impression that he spends his free time reading and looking after his young daughter, Lewis remains very excited about the prospect of watching America’s Next Top Model reruns throughout the coming week.

Craig McMahon (1980– ) is a prolific postmodern artist. He is currently expressing himself through a new method in which he spreads cat litter over a canvas and waits three days for his work to “create itself.” His use of this technique has resulted in such recent masterworks as Snowball’s Feces and Snowball’s Feces Revisited. Outside the field of artistic expression, McMahon enjoys smoking cigarettes and being uninterested in things. You have never heard of his favorite band. McMahon supplements his income with a part-time job at the local art-supply store, where he acts like he’s doing you a favor when he shows you where you can find the watercolors.

Robert Moore (1986– ) is a college student and self-proclaimed beer-pong enthusiast. Majoring in finance, Moore plans to “make a shitload of cash” upon graduation. He currently holds the unofficial university record for scoring with bitches, although some sources indicate that Moore may be in a state of confusion concerning his sexual preference. As of the time of publication, Moore maintains that he still “totally love[s] chicks.” Said fellow student Howard Peterson, “I had sex with Robert Moore last weekend.”