In these scary times under the Trump administration, it’s important for everyone to look after themselves — even Donald Trump. While the president is always thinking of ways to help his corporate cronies, fellow-autocrats, and oligarchic lenders, once in a while he needs to stop worrying about other people and put himself first. Here are a few self-care activities for the sort-of leader of the kind-of free world:

  • Tweeting misspelled falsehoods in between photo ops with people you’re about to betray is hard work. Blow off some steam with a boys’ night with your two wild and crazy Steves! Play a little poker, destroy the Clean Water Act, pig out on McDonald’s, dismantle modern civilization into a feudal economy, watch the big game, terrify small children who see clearly into your rotted souls—just the usual “guy stuff.”
  • Meditate to block out negative sources of energy like paid protesters, fake approval ratings, and reality. It’s helpful to repeat a single mantra over and over, such as “tremendous.”
  • Pets and laughter are terrific stress-relievers when the paperwork piles up. After signing a bill that takes money from poor people and gives it to rich people, lean back in a large desk chair, slowly stroke a cat, and cackle maniacally.
  • It’s difficult to keep the romance alive with the First Lady when you’re living in the White House and she’s hiding from you in a Trump Tower panic room. Treat yourself and Melania to a seven-course candlelit dinner at McDonald’s. “Check in” with each other: ask how she’s doing, if you’re still as handsome now as the day you met or handsomer, where she’s from again? Then, over dessert, tenderly renegotiate the non-divorce bonus to December 2020.
  • Your children can be a source of comfort, too, so spend some quality time with Ivanka and what’s-their-names — you know, those ones. A fun family game is “Whose insufficiently unquestioning loyalty gets them cut out of the will?”
  • Need to get away from it all? Enjoy a relaxing break at the White House, “the Monday-to-Thursday Mar-a-Lago.”
  • Get positive feedback by asking people you work with to say something nice about you that hasn’t already been said and verified by well-informed Infowars commenters. Make it a friendly competition: the person with the best compliment receives a bottle of asbestos-free Trump water, and the one with the worst has to defend you in a press conference while reversing position halfway through.
  • Feeling a little “knotty”? Pamper yourself the way sitting presidents have since Lincoln: construct and visit one of your branded massage parlors in China.
  • Get some exercise with your pal Tom Brady by “throwing a bomb” with the “nuclear football” while the guy who normally holds it poses for photos and “inadvertently reveals his identity to foreign saboteurs.”
  • Proper rest is crucial; instead of waking up early to hate-watch CNN, try decadently sleeping in until three a.m.
  • Splurge on a vacation to Europe to radically misinterpret the lessons of history, alienate our remaining allies, and sample the delicious foreign McDonald’s.
  • Actual governing is a lot less enjoyable than scapegoating minorities and the media at campaign rallies, and Washington is a boring, unwelcoming town. Consider retiring to a fun-filled place where you’ll get a much friendlier reception, and spend your golden years in the sun and surf of St. Petersburg, Russia.