Whoo! Another totally lame year down, another totally AWESOME year before I start realizing I’m just another cog in the wheel and will ultimately never be satisfied by the endless string of material possessions I surround myself with to go! It’s gonna be so sweet!!!

I already have it all lined up. Check it out. Classes will be a breeze because everybody knows that no one cares WHAT you do when you’re a senior (hint: my parents are gonna be away A LOT this year). Plus, it’s like, this will be the last time my mind will be free from wistful longing for the days before I make the stupid decision to take a job at Rankin Blinds & Shutters, which is pretty much when everything will start going south. Plus, I signed up for Intro to Film, which is like, duh! Easy A!

But don’t think I’m just gonna spend the next year slacking off. I’ll also be making some changes that I think will really help me grow as a person, despite the fact that little do I know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to “grow as a person” with my therapist Tom, who I’m pretty sure doesn’t even listen to me when I speak. And honestly, have I made any progress with him? Um, no. I have not.

Which is probably my fault anyway. I have a hard time opening up… and before you can say it, I know, I know. “Then why do you even GO to therapy, Brett?” I guess I’d have to say it was the divorce in 2016… or the cancer scare in 2022. Who knows anymore? Oh, and did I mention, Micah got us all tickets to see Dave Matthews in April? Front row, bitches!!!! What can I say? I know people.

So like I was saying, Kelly, my girlfriend of six months, which right now seems like an eternity but after next year will seem like an achingly short period of time and cause me to constantly wonder what happened to make me unable to stay with someone for longer than that, has been so amazing these last few months. She’s hotter than ever AND she wears cutoffs on a regular basis, but honestly, I’m pretty sure I’ll be dumping her soon.

It’s like my friend Trystan always says: plenty of fish in the sea, until you realize fifteen years from now that the only fish you ever really loved is now married to a successful realtor all because you acted like a total jerk on your trip to Lake Tahoe, bro! 

Look, man, the way I see it, after I dump her, it’ll be me and Trystan (and, no big, my brand new Mazda WITH SUNROOF!!!!!!!) and two tickets to 58008 (turn upside down ;))! Then after that I’ll pretty much ride through life on cruise control because, let’s be honest, when you have abs like this, you’ll spend the majority of your 30s trying to get them back, ultimately failing and weighing more than you did when you started, which will not go over well with Megan, and then after that it’s PROM TIME!!!

Dude, I gotta say, I can’t wait to ask Shannon Springer to the dance (sorry, Kelly! High five, Trystan!) and then show up on Kelly’s door a year later, drunk and disoriented asking her if she’s seeing anyone right now and if not, can I come in? Because I’m in pretty bad shape. Oh man, it’s gonna be siiiiick!!!

After that, it’s like, who knows? I’m not gonna plan it all out just yet. Your 20s are all about enjoying life, partying hard, and yeah, also figuring out what you wanna do, which in my case will mean working a string of menial jobs because guess what, Brett? EVERYONE HAS A T-SHIRT COMPANY! Yours is not going to “take off the first week” and buy you a “ticket to millionaire city!” God, you’re so fucking stupid.

But of course, you’ll get back up and try again, because that’s what lacrosse players do (GO TIGERS! LACROSSE 4 LIFE), this time attempting to climb the corporate ladder while trying to compete with a guy like Dave fucking Palmer who doesn’t even do any work, and then watching all your friends get married and being like “Huh? Seriously?” which will lead to your staying up all night looking at Facebook photos of all of us in high school and seeing the innocence in our eyes and wondering where that went because shit if you have that now. Plus, Trystan’s brother got us fake IDs so you know what THAT means!!! So hyped!!!!!