Today was my first full shipwrecked day after our ship hit some sharp rocks a half mile offshore. What started out as a team-building trip to the Cook Islands has turned into a true nightmare. #OnlySurvivor #PleaseSendHelp #SurvivalSundays #HolisticRescueMarketing
As far as I can tell, there are no other influencers on this island. If I am going to get rescued, I will have to create a truly incredible content marketing campaign. I was the guy who convinced everyone that Vitaminwater is a healthy drink even though it’s basically sugar sludge, so I should be able to market myself off of this island.
The freshwater source I discovered yesterday turned out to be clickbait. It became clear that the island’s goat population uses this water source as a communal toilet. I attempted to crowdsource some alternative freshwater options, but was met with immediate backlash from the goat user base. These goats clearly have concerns over privacy and the collection of user data.
Maybe viral marketing will help me off this godforsaken island. I have filled several bottles with a meme related to my predicament (“Send nudes, but also a rescue ship”) and have cast them into the ocean.
I am having trouble deciding how to format my SOS message on the beach. I wish I had my MacBook Pro with me so I could create a shiny pitch deck with colorful images, sleek fonts, and one of those slides that just says, “Questions?” at the very end. But alas, all I have are sticks and coconuts. Perhaps I will create an infographic. I can call it, “A Guide to Rescuing Me.” Or, “Ten Reasons to Rescue Me ASAP.” I’ll work out the exact wording later. I have to go work on my island newsletter now.
I lit the island’s forest on fire as a shareable social media stunt, but no planes flew over the island today. The goat user base is furious. I cannot afford to lose that demographic.
I caught a fish today. Wondering if this sort of reach is scalable.
Six planes have flown over the island since I launched my “Ten Reasons To Rescue Me ASAP” campaign. Zero of those planes have rescued me. That is a very disappointing 0% engagement among pilots. It is time to expand my marketing strategy and include some multimedia content. In more positive news, I spent a magical evening making love to a beautiful mermaid.
My body aches from the blazing heat. I am famished because food has been hard to come by. A seagull pecked me right in the eye while I was scanning the coastline for ships. The good news is that I am now officially a Brand Ambassador for Being Marooned™.
I have created a homemade CB radio and will now be broadcasting a daily podcast called Stranded. The podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the fast and easy way to publish a high-quality website or blog. Use code STRANDED at checkout for 10% off.
It may be the fact that I’ve only eaten strange yellow berries for the past two weeks but I’ve come to the stunning realization that the beach isn’t the most visible part of the island. I created a heat map of the island and now know exactly where I need to place my calls-to-rescue (CTR): on the island’s mountain. If the island is a web page, then the mountain is above-the-fold, so I should be placing my best content there. On another note, apparently the beautiful mermaid I made intense love to was just a large bundle of kelp. I need to get better at identifying users.
I fear that a vicious storm may be approaching. The sky is an ominous dark gray and the island’s animal population has retreated to higher ground. I hope the storm doesn’t delay the launch of my visual storytelling campaign. I plan to carve the phrase, MAN GETS STRANDED, CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT into the mountain. I just need to figure how to make the mountain clickable.
I saw a wild boar today who looked like a real thought leader. When I asked the large pig if it had read my island newsletter, it angrily charged at me with its large tusks. Any feedback is good feedback I suppose, but I can’t seem to stop the bleeding.
I have hired the wild boar as VP of Disruption and Growth Hacking.
Good news, I partnered with a local parrot population and they agreed to promote my content. Native advertising, baby! I taught them each to say, “I am a millennial and I am interested in seeing the rescue of a man trapped on an island in the South Pacific.”
The goat users found out that I collected and sold their personal data and user history. They are planning a revolt to push me off of the island. I hear the clatter of a thousand hooves coming toward my shelter. #FindMeFriday #RealLifeLOST #ContentSynergy #Brandivation #HereComeTheGoats #OhGodHereTheyC