1. Wake her up with breakfast in bed. Eggs Benedict, her favorite.

2. Give her a back rub and massage with an assortment of lavender oils and cucumber body lotions.

3. Take her on a long walk through the park. (Make sure to stop by the lake and rent a paddleboat.)

4. For lunch: a picnic on the grass.

5. Take out guitar and sing a song you’ve written about her.

6. Return home and sit by fire as Barry Manilow plays quietly in the background.

7. For dinner: Oysters as an appetizer followed by lots of wine and a light meal. Chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert.

8. Sprinkle rose petals on bed and light candles.

9. Make sure Father is still tied up and gagged in a soundproof location.

10. Return to Mother with His and Her bathrobes.

11. Bubble bath.

12. Watch The English Patient on the couch under a blanket.

13. Excuse self and check on Father. Wake him with smelling salts and rip his pinky’s fingernail off.

14. Return to Mother with champagne. Dim the lights.

15. Read a selection of Robert Frost poems to her.

16. Excuse self and punch Father in the face four times.

17. Return to Mother with box of chocolates and feed them to her by hand.

18. Excuse self to wash hands. Pour bucket of ice water on Father.

19. Return to Mother and tell her how much you appreciate her.

20. Excuse self and apply dry ice to Father’s testicles.

21. Return to Mother with flowers.

22. Excuse self and gently place beehive on Father’s lap. Shake aggressively.

23. Return to Mother and ask her to dance with you.

24. Excuse self and whisper into Father’s ear that he is worthless. Then urinate on him.

25. Return to Mother and watch the sunrise.

Another perfect Mother’s Day!