It has come to my attention that several men have complained about my inappropriate behavior over the past twenty years. I want everyone to know that I’m listening, I’m learning, and, most importantly, I’m trying to figure out how never to be publicly criticized again, because it’s deeply uncomfortable.
But in my defense, I ask you to consider that it is perhaps unfair to judge my past actions by today’s standards. I know it’s hard for young people to imagine, but back then, it was considered perfectly acceptable for a woman to go up to a guy completely unprovoked and kick him in the balls.
We all did it all the time, and no one blinked an eye. Apparently, things have changed.
Recently, I have come to understand that what we used to consider “no big deal” or “hilarious”—specifically, I’m talking about whacking a guy in the nads until his knees knock together and his eyes cross—was actually harmful and not funny at all.
Through the experience of being called out, I have learned that men are actually human beings with emotions, feelings, and very, very tender testicles. So, now I would like to say that I am unequivocally sorry for any pain that I caused.
But I also want to equivocate just a little and point out that when I was growing up, bashing a guy in the nuts was considered a rite of passage. Even my dear old grandma used to look up from her knitting and say, “If there’s grass on the field, get out there and kick some balls.”
I know that sounds shocking by today’s standards, but the culture was different back then. TV and movies regularly portrayed groin injuries as comedy gold. Every episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos—which was a family show, by the way—featured at least one dude getting slammed in the family jewels with a football, smacked in the double danglers by a toddler, or desperately fighting to save his nut sack from a rabid squirrel attack.
Speaking of animals, Rick, I want to especially apologize to you for that time that I sicced an angry honey badger on your junk, filmed the whole thing, and then uploaded it to YouTube. That was insensitive on my part. I would take the video down, but it has racked up over eight million views, and I need the passive income to help pay my legal fees.
The other issue at play here—and no one wants to admit this—but women have certain needs. That’s just basic biology. Did you know the average woman thinks about kicking a man in the balls at least once every forty-six seconds?
But now the rules about what is acceptable have suddenly changed, and I want to do better.
Still, and I will probably get in trouble for saying this, there are guys out there who sure are acting like they want their balls stomped.
I don’t want to victim blame, but do you have any idea how hard it is for a teenage girl to concentrate in class when the boy in the seat next to her is constantly scratching his flopping balls for everyone to see? It’s extremely distracting, especially when this is the same boy who snaps her bra at every possible opportunity and has called her “skank-a-rella” since fourth grade. It’s only natural that the girl would fantasize about grabbing the chalkboard eraser and lobbing it straight at his identical twins.
And look, I was never as bad as some women. Some women didn’t stop at hurting a guy’s balls. They would follow up by putting a guy in a headlock and torturing him with noogies, wedgies, and even the full Three Stooges treatment. I may have done some bad things in my life, but, hey, I never poked a guy in both eyeballs and then twisted his nose with pliers, so why am I the villain here?
Is what I’ve done so terrible that I should have this level of condemnation heaped on me? Should I lose my job? My family? My carte blanche to do whatever I want?
Just because I regularly shoot staples at my assistant’s balls? Those don’t even hurt. Except for that one time that I accidentally used an upholstery stapler. That thing is powerful.
And I’m genuinely sorry about that. But also, you can check out the stapler incident, which I have captured from several angles, on my popular YouTube channel: Candy Ball Crush. Don’t forget to like and subscribe. I really need the money. Especially since no one seems to be accepting my apologies, and my previously mentioned legal fees are getting out of control.